Tell me what it’s like to...be a woman

Lili


Tell me what it’s like to be me,
Tell me how safe it is to leave the house alone at night, to meet up with strangers,
how I’m a coward for not putting myself in danger for you.

Tell me that I’m dumb for drinking a little bit too much in a club,
to wear something a bit more revealing than you’re comfortable with,
tell me how I’m supposed to feel, where I’m able to go and where my safe spaces are.

Tell me how easy it is for me, because apparently every guy wants to have sex with me, tell me how great online dating must be for me, because I get 1000  messages every day, tell me how it’s so comfortable to be a woman nowadays with feminism and all those gentlemen with their fedoras out there,who are concerned for my well-being.

Tell me that it doesnt make sense how i take nude pictures but don't want everyone to see me naked, tell me that I’m a bad person for putting my naked body on the internet,
tell me I’m a bitch because I love myself more than I love you,
tell me I’m arrogant because I’m learning to accept my body the way it is.

Tell me what I should look like, how to style my hair,where to shave,
to smile even though I don’t feel like it,
print out the same photoshopped, emotionless face 27398 times and put it every where for me to look at it and feel awful just so that I buy your products,
tell me how big my boobs should be, how imperfect my body is and how I need to fix it to please men, come on - put the fantasies of strangers above my self-esteem and my health.

Tell me how I should behave or speak  because of my genitals, 
judge women by their genitals, 
of course you decide who’s allowed to call themself a woman, 
please talk about our genitals without our consent, 
touch us, judge us, just never leave us alone.

Tell me that I’m “one of the boys”, for liking certain things and disliking others,
tell me how I’m so much better and different than other girls, 
when we’re all wonderful and you’re a dickhead for using us against each other.
Feel sorry for me, because I’m realistic and not romantic, because I believe in temporary good times and not in forever-til-death-tears-us-apart.

Tell me to chill,when I’m passionate about something or fighting for our rights, 
tell me to meet up for Netflix and chill and be angry when I don’t want to have sex with you, but eat chips and pizza and watch grey's anatomy,
tell me at the same time how stupid I am for assuming that every guy just wants that one thing from me.
Come over in the middle of the night for Netflix and chill and be surprised when I want to have sex with you, patronize me, assume my needs and wishes or life choices because of my gender.

Tell me how I should feel about men, how feminism is not important anymore or how I should be grateful for not getting raped all the time even though I wear short dresses and I’m out after dark. 
Tell me that I should be ashamed because I like to flirt and be touched, 
how I see a different guy every weekend and kiss more girls than you ever will.
Tell me that it’s my duty to have sex with you again, because I said yes that one time, how I’m not allowed to say no and withdraw, 
Act like it's weird that I’ll punch you if you touch me without my consent, and how I don’t enjoy catcalling, because I actually should be flattered for getting attention.
Tell me that I need to have children, with how many people or when I should be performing sexual acts, what i'm allowed to show or talk about with other people and what i want to keep to myself -  tell me with whom I'm supposed to share my body.

Tell me that I need to stay thin, need to wear make-up and dress up to be worth anything, tell me I’m not allowed to enjoy marvel or computer games, 
call me a fake geek girl, a slut, a prude, a whore, a nun, your baby, your princess or your other half, because I’m not whole on my own.

 Tell me what it's like to be a woman. 
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5:15 PM , ,

The online dating experience - Part 2

Lili



We’re all longing for something, but nobody seems to be able to give it to us. 
No matter if it’s sex, intimacy, someone to just listen to us, someone to love, someone who will accept us, someone who shares our interests – it’s never enough or it's too much or the wrong person, the wrong time, or just not quite right.

I'm single.
I’m also intelligent, i know i'm talented in one way or another, funny as hell and fuck it, I can be charming and sweet if I want to, aswell.
I might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I know that I’m pretty in certain angles and lighting and my figure is about average.
I’m not very insecure anymore, I’m getting more and more comfortable with my own body, I’ve been in therapy for 5 years now and my meds are working, so  I’m not a trainwreck or a ticking timebomb anymore, I haven’t quit studying (yet), I have a few hobbies that I could talk hours about, I know what I want in life and kinda how to get it, and all in all I think that I could be quite a catch.
But the thing is, to have a relationship, an affair or even just a one-night-stand, you need at least two people. And that’s where the problem starts.

My biggest problem are not the rejections, or the uncomfortable first meetings, forever waiting if (s)he writes back, the sound of my phone that's starting to sound a lot like crushing hearts, hopes and dreams, the time and thoughts you invest in someone and then you realize that you actually don't have anything in common, the fact that even when you're two sides of the same coin you have no guarantee that it will work out, the sudden break-ups with just one ‘pling’ of my phone, the short-term-things and how fast everyone moves on, how nobody’s willing or able to concentrate on just one person, how we’re afraid of trusting someone, how we don't give us time to get to know them, how we give up before we even tried - i got used to all of that and being honest, i'm not better or even different than all those people out there. 

My problem is, that I don’t know what my problem is and that’s what really freaks me out.
I know that there’s a lot wrong with me, or at least not quite right, I know that I’m not always happy and adventurous, I know that I’m made of more darkness than light, I know that I enjoy twisted humour and horror movies too much, I haven’t seen much of the world or read all the classic books and don’t have the biggest boobs or the cutest nose or long beautiful hair or big eyes or perfect teeth or… well, I could continue doing this and list everything that sucks about me,but that won’t get me or you anywhere.
The thing is, i keep getting reminded of my flaws and i'm so much more aware of them since i started using dating apps.

Dating apps were supposed to make me feel good about myself, I should be happy, putting myself out there, meeting nice, interesting people - and not sitting on the bathroom floor, shaving my legs, because I read that someone hates hairy legs on women or standing in front of the mirror and thinking about how long I could go without eating, if I spent my money on cosmetic surgery instead.
You’re not supposed to anxiously stare on your phone and ask yourself if he likes you or not, you should not question your worth, just because a stranger from the internet didn’t respond to your “hey, how are you? :) ”

Self-confidence is not how many matches you have on tinder, how often you get laid or how many hearts you broke last week.
Happiness is not seeing a different guy every night, jumping from relationship to relationship and being proud of yourself for not writing her again, even though you fantasized about her for 2 weeks straight now.

 Love,kissing, sex, orgasms - It's just chemical stuff happening in your brain, it's not magical, it's just hormones.
And actually it's not that important, we need water, food, oxygen, money maybe, but not actually human touch and love to survive. Or do we?

I think we all are secretly hoping to suddenly match that one person, who is – without a doubt – our perfect match and you’ll talk shortly and then meet in person and fall madly in love and everything's perfect and all your friends are jealous.
We are all secretly hoping, that we get the acknowledgement that we think we deserve, we want respect and compliments and inspiring conversations and beautiful people and talked-through nights and sweet kisses and passionate sex and a happy ending.
We are all secretly hoping that an algorithm will save us from loneliness, spare us from the hard and time-consuming work that is dating, from going out and kissing frogs until we find a prince. The process of dating, the getting to know someone and all the first times  have become a necessary evil,we're tired of asking the same questions over and over again, of small talk and the scary unknown, we want to skip all of that and get right to the good bit.
While we’re installing the app, we’re all hoping for the day we can delete it again.

Everything's about finding someone else's holes where we could put our genitals in or hands we could pour our soul into.
But there should be so much more.
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10:41 AM , , , ,

The 5 people you'll meet on tinder (and other dating apps) - Part 1

Lili


Someone told me yesterday, after we talked for hours about online dating apps and our experiences with them, that i should write a book about my adventures.
And that’s of course a terrible idea. 
I’m 21 years old, irregularly using dating apps for about a year now, and my experience is by far not enough to write a whole book about it.

So I decided to write a blog post* instead.

We all heard of them and i know that most of you are active users, too. 
I've seen you on there, don't even try to lie about that.

I'm talking about tinder, okcupid, lovoo, grindr...

Using all of my two brain cells, fundamental psychological knowledge and my past experience, here are the 5 people, you'll find on tinder 
(and even you'll fit in one of those categories).




There are 5 types of people out there:

 the sad-guy, the bed-guy, the mad-guy, the bad-guy and the ted-guy*.




[*guy is just a placeholder and can be replaced with human being/girl/non-binary person/anything your tinder-match identifies with most]



Sad-guy: 


a) He just got out of a serious relationship and thinks he’s ready to get back out there, but he's probably pressured by his friends to get back on the horse. He is emotionally still invested in his ex, smells the shirts she forgot at his place and strokes pictures of her when no one's looking. He's just sad at first, you have a few nice conversations, then he’s overly emotional, moody, appears to really like you, but one day he’ll confess that he’s not over his ex yet. What a surprise.
b) He's an outcast, the nerdy typ, quiet, shy, desperate for love, insecure, too scared to write first. He doesn’t get shit done, because his own insecurities are in the way. He's probably a nice guy, but too scared of rejection and failure to even really put himself out there.
c) He's mysterious, cynical as fuck, sarcastic, funny, hot in this indie/hipster way, probably an artist, talented. Beware, of course you’re fascinated by him, but you know that you’d have no future. He’ll drag you down and he’ll judge you for swimming back to the surface because you don’t want to drown. He can’t be saved, especially not by you. You’ll never meet in RL,but you'll probably write poems about him.
d) a combination of all of the above


Bed-guy: 

wants the sex, gets the sex

a) He's egoistic, wants to see your nudes and sends you dick-pics without asking. For someone who seems to have a lot of sex, he's terrible at it. He talks about his penis way too much, and has never seen a vagina up close because he can't tell the difference between the labia and the clitoris. (fuckboy)
b) He's great in bed, makes you cum and cuddles afterwards. Doesn't snore, showers afterwards, he's handsome and polite, the guy your mother would like. But he's not in the need of a relationship or a friendship with benefits and he'll be gone faster than he came.


Mad-guy:

a) I’m not sure what his actual intentions are, but he’s arrogant, thinks he’s better than everyone, calls himself an 'alpha male' and feels entitled to your love/body/attention. He likes to provoke pointless discussions and starts fights, is aggressive for no reason, questions feminism and basic human rights “just for fun”. He's always straight,white,cis and a “nice guy” (fuckboy), 
b) A troll
c) That weird, much older person that keeps looking at your profile and asks if you’re into big dicks.


Bad-guy:

a) He’s charming, funny, hot and has a cute smile. He's birthed by John Green but nurtured by G.R.R. Martin. He's intelligent, but doesn't show off with his knowlegde. You could imagine that he's a loving son/brother/(boy)friend, and would like to overlook that he's deeply insecure, fucked up, and with tons of emotional baggage that he won’t ever talk about. You write a few times back and forth, maybe even meet up, there's something between you, your friends see it, but nobody knows if he actually likes you. You fall in love, he gets scared,and disappears. He's the worst of all of them. 
(fuckboy tarned as the love of your life)
b) all of the above but he's open about being an asshole and doesn't try to make up excuses (like a dysfunctional relationship with his parents or a broken heart.)
I know it hurts, but forget about him, there’s no scared, sweet guy behind this facade and you will never be able to change him.


Ted-guy:

a) Ever watched himym?
He’s the one looking for the one, ready to settle down, but also open for anything, the love child of the bad guy and the sad guy. He's kinda boring before you get to know him, in bed average at best, he's reliable and financial stable, but he's just not the one for you. 
You stayin contact and maybe become friends
b) He falls in love with you, but you just don’t have any romantic feelings for him, it’s awkward and you don’t want to break his heart but you’ll have to eventually, don’t be a bad 
guy.

_________________________________________________________________________
* or a buzzfeed article
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10:09 AM , , , ,

friends and ships

Lili


I gained a lot of friends this year

"You’re really funny"
"I like the things you write"
"You have such a unique way to see things"
"You’re really empathetic, thanks for listening"
"I love your sarcasm"
"I think you’re pretty"
"You’re hot as fuck"
"Your eyes are beautiful"
"I’m in love with your butt"
"I enjoy kissing you"
"I like the way you feel"
"I love your taste"
"You’re great and everything, 
but there’s this other girl…
let’s just be friends"




Friendship with beneftis

Friendship with heartbreak, 
with stress, pain, jealousy and confusion, 

friendship with commitment-issues, 
with fear, uncertainty and laziness, 
friendship with a lot of work and no benefits at all.

heartbreak with benefits, 
Hate with benefits, 
loneliness with benefits, 

getting over someone with benefits, 
bullshit with benefits, nothing at all with benefits,
Heartbreak with extra heartbreak,
take-away please.
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5:01 AM ,

How do you say what you mean?

Lili



How do you tell someone that you like them?

You just say it, right?
“I like you.”

And they may smile and accept it and carry on with their lives or just say
“Thanks, you’re cute as well”

and you just want to stop the world, grab their shoulders and shake them and shout
“NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, I LIKE YOU, I WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR LIFE, OF YOUR HEART, OF YOUR FUTURE,I WANT TO BE IN YOUR MIND ALL DAY AND IN YOUR BED ALL NIGHT I LIKE YOU, I LIKE EVERY PART OF YOU,I WANT YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU EVER COULD BE, I WANT US”


But you just smile and nod and carry on with your life 
and never mention anything like that ever again.



How do you know if someone likes you?
They’ll just say it, right?

“I like you.”

And they look you in the eyes, smile and carry on with their lives and all you’re able to say is

“Thanks, you’re cute as well”



and you just want to stop the world, grab their shoulders and shake them and shout

DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU JUST DID?! THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, AND I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, IN WHICH WAY DO YOU LIKE ME, DO YOU THINK I’M A NICE PERSON OR WOULD YOU LIE AWAKE WITH ME AT NIGHT JUST TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND HOLD ME TIGHT WHEN I CRY?”

But you just smile and nod and carry on with your life, forever wondering 
but never daring to ask.

















How do you say what you mean?
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4:51 AM , ,

not a love letter

Lili


Friday nights would suck, if you wouldn’t stay up with me just to listen to me crying,even though you have to get up early the next day and I’m upset about nothing and everything, just like always.

Long-distance always sucks, but it’s okay with you, because we still talk everyday about everything and it doesn’t feel like your're miles away. And I don’t mean this in a cheesy way, because I hate nothing more than that, just in a it’s-nice-that-you-call-me-just-to-hear-what-I’ve-been-up-to-way.

Of all the human beings I’ve met in this century you’re one of the few I can actually see myself still talking to in a few years from now on, not just a brief affair, not just small talk for months and then silence, but something real.

Right now i don’t know what i want or need or how i could get it, but i feel like you’re one of the people that are good for me and who would be able to give me whatever I need, as soon as I know what that is, or even just stand by me as long as I’m still figuring it out.

I’m not good at this. There are a lot of things I’m able to do, but this is hard. I’m not sure why, maybe because i’m generally not good with emotions and I’m scared of feeling too much as well as I’m scared of feeling not the right things or never anything at all.

And i don’t know why it's hard to put this in words, maybe because i think that any kind of relationship is always fragile and this one is especially fragile because I put my whole head in it and even a bit of my heart and I’m afraid you’ll drop it, or that I might fuck it up, and please, let’s not ruin it.

Now let’s never talk about this ever again.
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5:30 PM ,

What we are

Lili












We are all replaceable

Out there is someone who is just as funny as you are, 
just as kind, 
just as great to hang out with, 
but prettier 
and maybe a better cook.

Out there is someone who is better in bed than you are, 
better at blowing dicks, 
probably even richer 
and with bigger tits.

Out there is someone who can not only listen, 
but talk and reply, 
someone who can sing their heart out 
and eat girls out 
better than you do 
and someone who bakes cookies at 2am 
instead of crying in the shower.

Out there is someone who smells just like you,
but sweeter,
less like desperation
or cheap perfume,
who has brighter eyes,
shinier hair 
and softer skin than you.

Out there are millions of people 
who are better than you in every single way,
even better at just existing, 
and the funny thing is, 
out there is at least one person, 
who’s even a better you.

Just as happy as you are, 
you laugh the same way, 
about the same thing, 
your thighs feel the same way 
when they are wrapped around him.

There will always come someone else along, 
someone better, 
someone new.
You are just ordinary 
and we are all replaceable.

But so is he.




We’re not nothing

We don’t like each other, 
we never hang out, 
we never kiss, 
we never hold hands, 
we never argue, 
we never talk.

It's never enough,

not enough to mention it,

but it's too much to explain,
too much to handle.


we don’t think about it, 

we don’t feel, 

we don’t reflect and 
we just forget, 
we don't connect, 
we never touch, 
we only lie naked on top of each other 
and sleep side by side.


We don’t lie about it, 
because it’s nothing, 
it’s a few hours, 
a handful of body parts,
dirty water going down the drain 
two bottles of bodily fluids,
awkward eye contact 
and a bitter after taste.

We don’t label it, 
it’s laziness, 
it’s work, 
it’s comfortable, 
it’s exhausting, 
it’s calming, 
it’s tempting, 
it’s disappointing, 
it’s exiting, 
it’s fun, hope and regrets.

We don’t enjoy each other, 
your taste in movies is shit, 
my taste in men sucks as well, 
we’re getting over a heartbreak, 
or just trying to fall in love with ourselves, 
we’re here because it makes us feel more alive, 
makes that heart beat again, 
restarts as a fistful of flesh and feelings, 
not just a clock ticking in the chest, 
and it pumps hot blood through the veins again, 
instead of lukewarm water.

We don’t care about each other, 
we get bored and annoyed, 
we’re waiting for that one message, 
we’re counting down hours, 
we can’t wait to escape.
We don’t treat each other as friends, 
because we aren’t, 
we’re nothing more and nothing less, 
not friends, 
not even nothing.
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3:00 PM ,
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