Give it up (for)

Here’s to
the fucking darkness

that it might finally overcome me
and smother me
under it’s heavy wings.

Here’s to the fucking heartbreak
and lovesickness

the unsaid words and this one word,
 too much,
overkill,
 i wish i could take it back,
all the words,
every honest thing I’ve ever said,
which you twisted
and turned
and shouted back at me,
the sharp edges of every letter cutting my face
until I cried tears of blood-

liar.

Here’s to everything left
and to nothing,
all my ‘i love you’s',
 cried out loud in the wind,
shattered and lost,
never replied,
I don’t even know if you received them.

Here’s to my sadness,
my bitterness,
my never ending darkness,
here’s to fuck everything,
 fuck you,
fuck,
fuck me ,
please. 

I remember your wide arms
and soft hands
and hot mouth
and heavy breathing.
Picking nicknames for us like flower petals,
growing roses on asphalt
and talking in the light
of blooming flowers of fire in our veins.

Here’s to screw forgiveness,
screw the past,
screw you,
I wish I didn’t,
here’s to unrequired love,
ignorance
and fucking pain.

Nights in the bathtube,
sailors of the sky,
‘love you to the moon and back’,
'I’ll name a star after you',
the star is dead and the moon never cared anyway

Here’s to drawing red lines
with a black pen
on white arms
and ripping off
thousends of band-aids
of hairy skin,
ripping it from my skull,
my heart,
while trying to forget you,
not even forgetting you,
overcoming you,
not even overcoming you,
 trying to cope with your non-existence.

Worse -
you are still there,
but not here with me,
you still exist,
but without my warm body
next to yours,
you still live,
but not for me.

Here’s to just trying
to keep on living,

breathing hurts like a motherfucker
.

Here’s to never.

Here’s to never love.

Here’s to never loved you.

Here’s to love you

Here’s to you

Here’s to never

again.