still loved

Lili 6:20 PM , , , , No comments



Im still loved.
I know you stopped loving me, 
or maybe you didnt, 
or maybe you never even loved me in the first place.
But it’s okay, not matter how you felt about me 
or you feel about me now, 
I haven’t changed.
My worth is untouched, 
I’m still loveable, 
no matter how many people love me back 
or leave me forever.
I’m not defined by the people who love me 
or who don’t like me.
I’m defined by who I choose to love, 
who I want to share my life with, 
and oh boy, I loved you lots.
And I shared everything with you, 
trusted you more than anybody else, 
thought we had something special, a connection,
you loved me back, 
you left me anyway.

And that’s okay. 
It has to be okay, 
because if its not, 
nothing else will ever be okay again.
I have to accept, that loving and caring for someone 
means losing them at some point.
You can't keep someone forever, 
nothing is forever,
and everything changes all the time.
It’s rare, that two people 
change the same amount 
in the same time 
and in the same way.

But is it worth it, 
to love, 
if you know that you can only lose?
That there will be no winner in the end, 
just broken hearts and wasted time?
Good memories with a bitter after taste, 
salty tears and the exchange of bad words 
where once trust and hugs ruled?
No matter how and when it ends, 
it will always be worth it.

I refuse to become heartless 
and even more cynical, 
because I keep getting hurt.
I won't let stones weigh me down, 
because I had some bad experiences, 
when I could be flying, 
and having great experiences in the future.
I know that people keep leaving, 
and due to that I’m full of self-doubt and disgust, 
and I can't even be mad at them, 
because we share this hatred for me, 
I can't stand myself either, 
and I would walk away if I could, 
believe me.

So I have no right to blame you for burning bridges.
But we build a beautiful bridge 
and I dare you to find someone 
who carries your soul the way I did.
I’ll suffer now, 
but oh dear, 
you’ll suffer later.
Even though my heart is broken right now, 
I know that I’ll be okay.
I know that I’ll get over it 
and find someone new, 
not to fill the hole that you created, 
but to open up a new one 
so they can leave their very own mark.
I won’t try to replace you, 
I’ll plant flowers on the grave of our friendship 
and they’ll grow into a garden 
that I’ll never visit again.

In the future, I won't deny myself the pleasure of intimacy, 
because I’m scared of loneliness.
I won't stop smiling now, 
just because I know that I will cry later.
I’ll still be open and soft on the inside, 
easy to bend and easier to break, 
because that’s what makes me me 
and I won’t give you the pleasure of changing me, 
making me a different person.
You didn't impress me that much.
And I wont deny new people 
the pleasure in getting to know the original me, 
and not the version that you destroyed and left.

I’ll be great, if you witness it or not.
I’ll be happy without you, 
and sad, not just because of you.
I’m loveable not matter if you’re around or not.
I’m still loved, even though not by you.

And no, I wont just ignore the fact that you're gone, 
I wont just move on and pretend like nothing happened, 
I’ll pause everything, 
fall down on my knees and cry, 
because I’m me, 
because I care and I’m not afraid to still care, 
even though you stopped caring about me.
I’ll be sad and angry and lonely, 
and that’s okay. 
I’ll have all of those feelings 
and I’ll cry a few times about you, 
and that’s okay. 
Because I rather care too much and too long, 
than never at all, 
and I rather still think about you everyday 
with a tear in my eye, 
than to forget everything we had.

I’m not impressed by your lack of emotion and regret, 
I pity you for not being able to feel enough, 
for having to hide and be strong,
because I allow myself to be weak 
and to break down for someone, 
that mattered to me.
I can’t say, if you really don’t care anymore 
or if you’re just scared of getting hurt, 
but look at me, 
I’m not scared, 
I put everything out there for you to see and to judge, 
and it was no mistake, 
because some day someone will come along 
and see the beauty in my faults 
and cherish the things I can give, 
in a way that you obviously couldn’t.

I feel sad for myself, 
because I thought of you as a friend 
and as it turns out, 
you were just a traveler, 
stranded in my life by mistake. 
And I feel sad for you, 
because you missed the opportunity of being my friend, 
of listening to my bad jokes and my bad advice.
well, we all make mistakes and shit happens.
I know I’m far away from being perfect,
but at least I’ve always been loyal, bitch.

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