about being a sinking ship and an anchor for someone else

Lili 1:51 PM , , No comments
or a text about life savers without any actual ships or mention of the ocean.
with a picture of a laying mug but no spilled tea in the following text.
it's a metaphor.



Times are tough.
i seem to have nothing but bad luck and tragedies and everyone around me is struggling,too.
We are all in so much trouble, busy with our own shit ,  trying to keep our head  up somehow, trying to  function in this society - some of us are able to do that, some of us break down.
It’s hard to suffer and to keep up your relationships, especially if you have different problems and are not able to make it through the same things at the same time.
I thought a lot about this, the past few days and about how friendships or relationships work.
it’s supposed to be the “in good and bad times” but you are not married to any of your friends or partners and even in marriage people leave.
Self-care always comes first and there is always the possibility of people leaving before someone else’s downfall destroys them as well.
Listening to someone and helping them should not be a challenge or uncomfortable. It should come naturally.
You only have a certain amount of energy, especially in hard months and dividing this between yourself and others is not easy. You need to have priorities, spend some time and attention on yourself and some on the most important people in your life.
In healthy friendships, you should get the same amount of attention, love and caring back.
We all know, that there are still those people in your life, who don’t really benefit your mental health, in the sense that they only take but never give. There is always that one person, you’d always listen to for hours without expecting anything in return, because you love them and you worry about them, but actually they are dead weight for you.
And to keep the balance, you have to find someone who’ll listen to whatever you have to say, who catches you when you fall, who takes care of you while you’re taking care of someone else.

It’s never fair.
it should be the same person, there should be someone who takes as much as they give, who doesn’t care who talks more and who needs to listen, someone who loves you and who you love and where everything feels so naturally and comfortable, that you can talk about anything anytime without worrying about who’s turn to rant it is.

Why is it so hard to find that one person?

I can only speak from my experience and oh boy, the trust issues are real.
It’s not just the what-will-they-think-of-me-when-they-know-how-weird-i-am-problem, but also the fear of rejection and the fear that the other person won’t fullfill your expectations.
It’s hard to admit defeat and showing weakness and maybe tears is difficult for some people. Not just the act of opening up, but also responding to someone who shows you their emotional side.

You can say “oh, talk to me anytime, I’ll be there for you” once and it won’t even matter. Of course they say it, everyone says it, but that’s just the theory, reality is different. The chosen person needs so much strengths, patience and empathy but at the same time the ability to keep a distance because I don’t want to be the reason for someone else’s pain.
On the other side, I’m so tired of listening to other people and always saying the same old sentences about how they can do it and how someone else is worth it and I’m so tired of keeping a distance to myself and others.
I don’t know what to say most of the time.
I have no clue how the world works or what’s right or wrong.
But I don’t think that anyone really knows what’s going on.

Aside from advice, the only thing we can give each other is space (for emotions, honesty and break-downs), an open-minded, save environment and enough time.
 I want you to cry in front of me, I want you to break down and scream and tell me what you really think and everything that’s going on.
I need you to trust me and to show me your 3am-nothing-is-fine-at-all-personality because I am afraid to show any part of me to anyone anymore. I feel like I’m a mess and like everything is wrong with me and I need to know that you trust me so that I can maybe start trusting you.
I want to talk about how that escalated again, about how I’m showing too much again about how I literally cry during every episode of grey’s anatomy but am unable to cry about dead relatives and dying hope. 
I feel the need to apologize, about how I always make this about me and too deep and not funny and how I must be viewed as this black hole that swallows all the light and that sucks the life out of everyone who comes near me, but I bottle so much up and I’m not able to talk about it and I feel so alone even though I lost count of how many people talk to me daily and with talking I mean meaningless exchange of pointless puns but no communication.
There will always be people who don’t care, who won’t make time for you, who have different priorities. There will always be people leaving and hurting and bleeding all over someone new.

It’s important to take time for yourself and to make time for others.
Don’t underestimate the time that you spend in your head, you need to sort some things for yourself out first, but don’t overestimate this process, either.
You could spent the time with friends in their heads, even though you might believe that it won’t really help you, trigger you and just stress you out more, sometimes you need to get a new perspective of (your) life through the eyes of a friend, by listening and by talking.

No comments :

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments ( Atom )