things i can, things i can't
lili
,
personal
,
please dont use this against me i'm unarmed
,
who needs a diary if you have the internet
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Disclaimer: like always, i wasn't sure if i really want to post this.
while writing this, i'm thinking: girl, get a diary, nobody cares!
and maybe i should.
maybe you don't want to know what i'm feeling,
maybe you have better things to do than reading my unfiltered thoughts
and you probably don't give a fluff about the personal crisis of a strange 20-years-old girl on the internet.
i'm just gonna ignore that and do it anyway, because i feel like i need to explain some things and i feel like i have to tell some people out there, who i really, really like, that they are important to me and maybe i just need to get it out of my head.
it's hard to keep the balance between writing about stuff that's close to my heart and at the same time keeping it as unspecific as possible so that i don't give to much of me away, talking about things i've personally experienced and keeping a distance between myself and the reader.
i want you to enjoy this, be entertained, feel something and then think about it afterwards.
i dont want you to feel like you just read a diary entry of an troubled girl and i dont want this to be an emotion-less, informative text.
i want to tell you something, give you hope and the feeling of comfort if you feel like this
and actually i want the same hope and comfort for me, by pouring my sould into this and crying a bit about everything.
i just cancelled a trip we've planned for months. all the money, the time but most importantly the experience - lost. I'm incredibly sad that i can't do it and i'm already regretting it so much. i feel so guilty for not being able to go, for chickening out and - without overestimating my influence on other people's lives - i feel like i've ruined the trip for them, too. i feel like a failure, like i deserve to be punished for cancelling it, i'm angry and disappointed in myself and i think i desvere this pain of staying at home and thinking about how-it-could-have-been.
i can't travel. i can barely leave the house. i can't face the unknown and i can't face myself.
i don't want to deal with myself, with the difficulties,
i don't want to face my fears and i don't want to fight.
i can't tell anymore how i feel, i never know if i'm hungry or sad or panicing, i'm always just so empty.
i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't breathe.
i'm no longer a student, a daughter, a friend, a human being. i'm far from living and i'm barely surviving.i don't know what to do.
things i can
i can talk about it and try to explain my situation. i try to communicate the best i can i'm sorry, please be patient with me, i'm having a rough time and everything and nothing is happening right now.
i can seek help, calling hospitals, seeing doctors, hoping for a new perspective.
i can try to stay alive and i'm doing my best to work through it by just existing even though it's almost unbearable.
i can endure, i can keep trying,
i can fail and still be lovable, i can break down and still be worth something.
i can make it through this, i can still hope for it to get better, i hopefully can take all the time that i need and still get back on track someday.
i can count on my friends to sticking with me even though i'm a mess and i can still trust them being there for me, even though i'm not (always) there, even though i''m not showing up anywhere and even though i'm trying to not let them see me.
i'm still me, somewhere, i have not yet given up on me or the world and i want to believe that it gets better and that the best is yet to come, that it will come and that i won't be alone when i'm ready again.
i still don't know what to do, all i know is how to cancel things and how to disappoint the world and how to shut myself away and how to feel terrible and sick and how to suffer.
i'm not sure what i'm doing, but i know i'm still far enough away from death to let myself be overwhelmed by the darkness and even though i'm deeply frightened of everything, i'm not scared of talking about it in big words and cheesy metaphors.
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