it's like the contrary of dying but you still kinda wanna be dead

Lili 10:10 AM , , , , No comments
What to expect when you’re expecting an anxiety baby 
or how does it feel like to have a panic disorder 
or how I’m trying not to lose my mind right now.


Anxiety itself is a coping mechanism, it’s supposed to save you from unbearable things and deadly situations. It’s a warning system, that tells you when to be careful and when you are save.
But it also can be your biggest enemy and a pain in the ass (let’s talk about that later).

Anxiety and panic disorder are like the contrary of dying. 
While depression keeps your mood and your emotions down, your whole existence becomes silent and ever part of you numb – panic lets you know that you are alive. 
It screams and shakes you up, makes you uneasy, you have the urge to move around and the thoughts are running through your head like you are on drugs. 
You feel everything intensely and all the time.

Throwing up, fainting, hysterical crying, hyperventilating, shaking,sweating, headaches, stomach ache - the worst symptoms basically without any cause.
Are you dying? Ebola? Food poisoning? 
Nope, just scared to death of nothing in particular.

And not just when you are faced with any kind of “””challenge”””” like getting up or showering, doing the groceries or talking to your family – nope, if you’re a pro you can get them at any given moment, even without a trigger!
It’s like an unpleasant surprise party in your body whenever your mind feels like it.

And if you have that for a few years, you get nice sideeffects, like blood in your poo because your digestive system is not able to cope with the”unusual” activity, gastric ulcer or any kind of inflammation in your bowel just because your body is not built to deal with this kind of terror every day over a long period of time.
Don’t even get me started on heart diseases, because your circulation will not approve on your day to day stress levels - which are higher than the stress level of a normal person sitting in an exam or before an operation - you heart has a lot to do: Irregular heart beat, feeling dizzy and (in the worst case) cardiac arrest are possibilities.
Another interesting thing is, no matter how little you eat and drink, you’ll be able to go to the toilette almost every hour, and losing weight becomes really fun, when you can’t keep anything in or down, you feel sick all the time, no matter what you eat and you burn hundreds of calories every time you freak out and panic.

The physical problems aside, you’ll get really fucked up in your head:
Memory is a funny thing, it will keep reminding you of the places and things that make you panicky and it won’t forget how awful it felt like. With time, everything will become a trigger and trying to avoid them will get harder an harder.
Everything in you room reminds you of panic, your bed isn’t a save place anymore but the thing you need to lay down when you feel ill and the floor isn’t just a floor anymore but the ground where you break down on, when everything’s too much.

You start questioning everything. 
Why do I feel so anxious? Is it because i can’t trust my boyfriend any more? Is this weird feeling in my stomach a sign that my friends secretly hate me? Do I even deserve this love? Maybe I need to quit my job or move, maybe something in the air here is poisoning me.
You become paranoid.
And you stop trusting yourself and your body. 
Have I eaten enough? Or have I eaten too much? Should I eat something differents than usual? Maybe I’m lactose intolerant? Maybe I’m allergic to water? 
I might have forgotten how to breathe? 
How do you breathe? 
What is oxygen? 
What are you doing body? 
Why aren’t you able to cope? 
I’ll break down any minute now. 
This is the end. 
I’m gonna die.

Anxiety and Panic attacks will control you. 
You won’t be able to think about anything else anymore, nothing will make you forget of this fear, that overshadows everything.  You will be anxious about being anxious an that will result in even more panic attacks.
You will feel like you are going out of your fucking mind. It will feel like you are going insane, you will be scared of your own thoughts and fear everything your body feels. 
You will believe that you are dying.
But you won’t.

And writing about it wont ease the suffering, but sometimes it makes you think you are forced to experience this for a greater cause: to talk about it, to inform people, it makes you believe that it isn’t as pointless and unnessary as it actually is.




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