"i promised my mother never to behave self-destructive again, so i left you"
boyfriend
,
break up
,
general trigger
,
lili
,
love
,
poem
,
poetry
,
tw: selfharm
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ON BREAKING AND MISSING
I
poured myself into
I
poured myself into
you.
I
crushed my heart
and broke my thoughts down
so I could feed them to
you.
I
gave you all until I felt empty
because you gave me nothing back.
You
let me starve while eating my soul
and puked it right into my face later on.
I
never saw yours.
The more I trusted you, the more I could feel you leaving
and the more I opened up to you, the more I started to miss
you.
But now I think I gave too much of myself away and I'm just missing
me.
crushed my heart
and broke my thoughts down
so I could feed them to
you.
I
gave you all until I felt empty
because you gave me nothing back.
You
let me starve while eating my soul
and puked it right into my face later on.
I
never saw yours.
The more I trusted you, the more I could feel you leaving
and the more I opened up to you, the more I started to miss
you.
But now I think I gave too much of myself away and I'm just missing
me.
WAYS OF SELF-DESTRUCTION
1. The easiest way of suicide is falling in love and then crashing on reality
2. I have the choice whether I want to get smothered by the loneliness or suffocate when my oxygen leaves me again. And I chose to kill myself before anybody else gets the chance.
3. I guess that’s why some people hurt themselves, they rather slit their own wrists and watch the warm life and red passion stream out, than give somebody else the power to destroy them
4. Once life cut so deep in my veins, I called you crying for help and you came over and wrote a poem about the beauty of death, while I was dying.
5. My mother taught me that clinging on a life saver won’t teach you how to swim and that you’ll drown eventually
6. I can’t allow myself the pleasure of counting on someone, of depending on other people - ‘cause i know they gonna leave me and I’m so scared of having happiness in numbered days and then an eternity of sorrow
7. Dealing with the pain you caused is impossible, when you’re my only way of coping and that’s why people overdose on pills and sleep forever instead of staying awake and facing the dark
4. Once life cut so deep in my veins, I called you crying for help and you came over and wrote a poem about the beauty of death, while I was dying.
5. My mother taught me that clinging on a life saver won’t teach you how to swim and that you’ll drown eventually
6. I can’t allow myself the pleasure of counting on someone, of depending on other people - ‘cause i know they gonna leave me and I’m so scared of having happiness in numbered days and then an eternity of sorrow
7. Dealing with the pain you caused is impossible, when you’re my only way of coping and that’s why people overdose on pills and sleep forever instead of staying awake and facing the dark
4
LETTERS
Every time I heard your name and saw the wrong face, i started humming a Nick
Cave song, every time I read those four letters, I tried to carve them into my
flesh because I want to feel close to you again.
I ruined my Marc Jacobs dress , but I just kept bleeding through everything I wear, because Karl Lagerfeld and fashion can go to hell, I’ll be waiting there.
Remember how I wrote you 4 letters, feeling like John Keats, each one explaining how I can’t breathe without you being around and how I’m trying to burry my pain and how I fail at forgetting?
I ruined my Marc Jacobs dress , but I just kept bleeding through everything I wear, because Karl Lagerfeld and fashion can go to hell, I’ll be waiting there.
Remember how I wrote you 4 letters, feeling like John Keats, each one explaining how I can’t breathe without you being around and how I’m trying to burry my pain and how I fail at forgetting?
I've burned every single one of them, let the fire lick the letters of your name
from the page as if it could erase you from my memory as well - like Luke
Skywalker erased the death star from the universe - because I knew you would
have done the same if I’d ever sent them to you.
I’ve met 3 other people with your name since then, one looking like Finn Harries, one singing like Liam Payne and one as famous as Sean Connery, but I’d even ignore James Bond, because none of them are you.
I’ve met 3 other people with your name since then, one looking like Finn Harries, one singing like Liam Payne and one as famous as Sean Connery, but I’d even ignore James Bond, because none of them are you.
Those 4 letters bring this funny taste back into my mouth, sweet and salty,
sugar and tears, I know it’s blood because I bite my tongue to keep me from
screaming.
Change always bothered me, but since you left I can’t stand the stillness. I can’t stop moving or thinking or caring, oh I wish I could just stop caring, like Milo Ventimiglia as Jess Mariano never seemed to give a fuck. You are everywhere, every song is about you and i’m scared of turning on the radio because it might be a love song by Phil Collins and the only sound I want to hear is your voice again.
Change always bothered me, but since you left I can’t stand the stillness. I can’t stop moving or thinking or caring, oh I wish I could just stop caring, like Milo Ventimiglia as Jess Mariano never seemed to give a fuck. You are everywhere, every song is about you and i’m scared of turning on the radio because it might be a love song by Phil Collins and the only sound I want to hear is your voice again.
FIVE
I.
I’m one of those people, who care too much.
While you don’t care at all.
I’ll give you my whole arm, if you need a hand.
I’ll like you from the start and until the end and way too intense.
I’ll grab the numbers out of the clock and stop the sun from setting and the moon from rising with my bare hands,
just for you.
I’ll think about you, and talk about you and just wanna be with you all the time.
While you don’t care at all.
I’ll give you my whole arm, if you need a hand.
I’ll like you from the start and until the end and way too intense.
I’ll grab the numbers out of the clock and stop the sun from setting and the moon from rising with my bare hands,
just for you.
I’ll think about you, and talk about you and just wanna be with you all the time.
II.
Once you betray me, hurt me, disrespect me or make me stop loving myself,
like you stopped loving me,
I’ll kick you the fuck out of my life and out of my body like a cell of cancer.
I’ll cut you off like a diseased limp.
I’ll bleed to death, just to get every piece of you out of my system.
I’ll change my name and face just to cut the association with the person in all those pictures with you, I write our
story down and burn the book, like it’s a way I could erase our past from the world.
like you stopped loving me,
I’ll kick you the fuck out of my life and out of my body like a cell of cancer.
I’ll cut you off like a diseased limp.
I’ll bleed to death, just to get every piece of you out of my system.
I’ll change my name and face just to cut the association with the person in all those pictures with you, I write our
story down and burn the book, like it’s a way I could erase our past from the world.
III.
I may come back to you, after the sea is calm again, after the waves of hate and pain have left me, just like you did.
I’ll give you a second chance. I’ll give you a third chance.
I’ll hand them out like flyer for the party that might be my life, if I could only have you back in it.
I forget the bad memories, paint you with red tears and lonely sunday afternoons on my wrist, hoping the picture
in my head of you could just come alive.
I’ll change the world for you, I’ll change me for you.
I’ll give you a second chance. I’ll give you a third chance.
I’ll hand them out like flyer for the party that might be my life, if I could only have you back in it.
I forget the bad memories, paint you with red tears and lonely sunday afternoons on my wrist, hoping the picture
in my head of you could just come alive.
I’ll change the world for you, I’ll change me for you.
IV.
Then at some point, I’ll let it be.
Because you let me down.
I'm touching the dark fire and feel the burning cold lighten me up
I’m always saying this, that I’ll leave you, give up and stop caring and I never do it,
but one time, after months, maybe years, I will stop dropping everything for you,
pick up my scrambled thoughts like broken eggs, which I’ve bleed out 5 times, since I last saw you
I’m leaving you behind and move on with different people.
Because you let me down.
I'm touching the dark fire and feel the burning cold lighten me up
I’m always saying this, that I’ll leave you, give up and stop caring and I never do it,
but one time, after months, maybe years, I will stop dropping everything for you,
pick up my scrambled thoughts like broken eggs, which I’ve bleed out 5 times, since I last saw you
I’m leaving you behind and move on with different people.
V.
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