i can and i will

Editors note: By the way, due to it's lack of usage, my english is worse than ever and i'll wear every mistake in this blog post shamefully on my pyjama shirt.

The last few years have been a slow-burning building and i felt like it would collapse and bury me eventually.
To be honest i've always been a fire hazard.
Catching fire in early 2010, burning me from the inside out and crumbling down ever since.

At the beginning of this decade life decided to throw a litte, harmless spark in my direction and because of a bad combination of genes and i guess traumatic experiences, i just bursted into flames.

Cue the uncountable therapy sessions, doctor appointments and hospitalisations.

In 2018 i stopped burning and I started shivering. 

For the first time in a while i was not desperatly looking for water to put out the blaze, but turning my head and looking for a future beyond the ashes of my past.
And in 2019 i knew what i wanted from life. 

But what i didnt know was how scary it would be to work 24/7 towards something - and then fail.

This year i tried to archieve a good grade on my bachelor's degree to be able to continue studying psychology but i just wasn't good enough.
This year i tried to move in with my boyfriend and maybe start a family, but it wasn't meant to be.
This year i tried to work full-time to earn enough money to finally become a bit more financially independent, but i guess social work is an uncertain job.

I don't even want to admit how many nights i sat on my bedroom floor crying for hours.
Not burning for anything anymore.
Become cold and lifeless, the opposite of the flaming hot mess that i've been before.

By december i was kinda over the sadness and done with feeling like a failure.

I can't change my bad grades from 2014 or my work situation and the salary, and i certainly can't demand love and commitment.

I'm trying my best to study hard, learn more about relationships and work as much as i can.
Crying might have extinguished most of the fire, but drowning might be just as painful.

Now i feel like an ember.
Glowing, powerful, but at risk of starting a forrest fire at any minute.
Open fire is constantly changing it's form and heat, but ember is consistent in it's appearance and warmth.
I haven't died my hair since 2017.

And i guess that's the best i can be for the rest of the year:
Being aware and accepting of my flaws and mistakes, never underestimating the risk of spontaneously turning into a bonfire, but at the same time keeping up the bright light inside of me.
Don't we all love a hopeful optimist.

I don't know what else to say, it's 3 am and i haven't written a single word in 2 years. 

I hope this is enough for a new beginning.