i can and i will

It’s not my fault that he’s afraid.

I’m also afraid, but it wouldn't have stopped me.

I’m easy to love.

I’m just hard to like.

Maybe i should have tried harder.
He didnt try at all.

Loving me is more spontaneous, less of a guarantee, easier to get over, 
you can just let go of me anytime.
Once you earned my love, i won't leave.

I can still smell you. 
It makes me angry that your smell still calms me down.

In general I’m very angry. 

So angry that I just had to write, without even knowing what i want to say.

Just moving my fingers, bathing in the illusion that i'm letting go of the pain 
if I just puke up enough words and pretty metaphors.

Please let this work.

I realized that I’m not scared of falling in love or the pain of rejection, 

I’m scared of going numb, of the pain overshadowing the love and of me getting so lost in the pain, that I’m never able to open up again and feel love, when the right one appears.

As long as every new love outweighs the pain of the last break-up,
I’m telling myself that still full of hope. 
As long as I’m able to always getting over someone, to keep moving on, 
I’m positive that I can make it through 678 frogs for that one prince.

But what if I can’t make it?

What if I break before I ever reach one of the more truer loves?

What if it’s not worth it and just agony and rage all the way until I’m old and alone forever?

It’s such a cliche-thing to say: 'it’s not your fault, it’s him. 
He wasn’t ready for something real, You’re worth so much more.'

But what if that's not true?

If I were enough, he would have chosen me.

If I were what he needed or even more, he wouldn’t have let me go.

If I were worth something, I wouldn’t be laying in my bed, 
all by myself, crying over a guy who said that 
there’s nothing wrong with me, but also nothing right.

Q1: Is it me or is it you?

A1: I don’t know. I know, that I don’t know a lot, but I’m actually not sure. Maybe it’s not the right time in my life. Maybe everything would be different if we met a few months ago or in a few years.

Maybe it’s you.  Maybe you want something I cant offer you. Maybe I want something that you cant give me. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I need someone else.  Someone who makes me feel different. About myself, about life. Maybe you need someone who makes you feel better. Maybe you need someone who feels about you the way you feel about them. Maybe I need someone like that.

(R1: We could try. Maybe we’re not that different in our needs and abilities. Maybe we’re both not that easy to handle, but we could just give it a chance.)

EDIT: actual answer: it's not you...well, maybe a little bit. but i can't put my finger on it. I don't know.

Q2: You could have had everything. Friendship, casual sex, the whole happily-ever-after-relationship-thing. Why isn’t anything of that right for you?

A2: Again…I don’t know. I could never just like you platonically, but at the same time I know that a relationship won’t work out. You deserve more… and I deserve less…drama.  And just sex would break your heart.

(R2: I could love you platonically or just like you as a boyfriend. We could open our pants or just our hearts.We could have had it all and now we’re just nothing.)

actual anwer: none of that appeals to my.and i don't think you would enjoy any of that...don't know.

Q3: What are you so scared of?

A3: I’m not sure…I don’t know…Maybe I don’t even want to know…I guess I’m scared of hurting you. Of doing something or wanting something and then changing my mind. About being impulsive and unreliable and shit. Maybe I’m scared of ruining what we have….had…
Maybe I’m scared of getting hurt…again. Maybe I’m scared of opening up and getting fucked in the head again. Maybe I’m scared of not even being able to open up anymore because I’m already so fucked up.
Maybe reality can never be as good as the things are in our imagination.

(R3: You know what – I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared. For both of us. Mostly for my sanity. I’m so scared of getting hurt, it drives me insane. But you know what else? I’m more in love with you than I am in fear.)

actual answer: the best question. you won't ever get a good answer for that. all i know is that i'm not scared of you hurting me.that's at least part of my answer.