An open letter to the one i love

Lili 11:03 AM , , No comments




I’ve been asking myself what I miss the most 
and how to describe the feeling of loss 
that’s pumping through my veins, 
replacing the blood that used to make me human and alive, 
now i'm just a pile of misplaced memories, rotting regrets and burning books of untold stories.  
Watch me burn the home down we built together, 
watch me burn the letters,
watch me burn.

Today I tried to eat breakfast, like the three days before, 
but failed, I watched the butter melt on the toasted bread 
and I had to throw it away every time, 
because I couldn’t stand the thought of more things disappearing.

I want to describe it in pretty pictures of dying butterflies 
that are stuck  in my ribcage, 
but I’m just throwing up caterpillers.

I’ve painted a graveyard in bright pink and baby-blue on my stomach, whose future memories are we really burying here - 
beneath all the new phone numbers and cookie crumbs, 
inbetween his  sheets and my legs - 
yours or mine?

An open letter to the one i love, 
because you have never given me your new address: 
I don’t know where you are 
but neither do you, 
I can remember where we’ve been 
but you forgot where we wanted to go, 
I’m not sure where I am 
but you know i'm not in your heart anymore.

I found a hair from you on the piece of lifeless cotton 
where I rest my head at night to dream about you, 
but it lost it’s colour like the leaves on the trees,
and I haven’t been able to rest since you left, 
I have to grow up and learn to sleep with out the lights on, 
but I’m afraid of growing old alone in the darkness.




_________________________________________________________________________________

DISCLAIMER:
Don't assume that this is about you or her - this isn't even about me.
it's about feelings and situations, captured in temporary chapters of an unwritten story, 
this is nothing but fiction and i'm the storyteller. 
This is about an idea, this is art, 
remember, this might be inspired by things i experienced or witnessed or felt once myself, 
but it has nothing to do with my personal life
 and this is not a diary.

No comments :

Post a Comment

'Washing hands' and washing off thoughts - a relationship in diary entries

Lili 6:43 AM , , , No comments


17.12.14

I felt like freaking out, because I’m so scared,
 but I’m doing my best to act like I’m not.

I felt like freaking out, because you’re way more relaxed,
but started to get awkward as soon as we accidentally touched and I don’t know what that means.

You freaked out, because of the mess in my kitchen and the mess in my life,
almost as much as I’m freaked out by not knowing if you’ll stay longer or leave forever.

You freaked out by thinking about how hard it must be to be part of my life
and being chained to a bed in the least fun way and damned to stay indoors most of the time.

I freaked out every time you called, because I have to talk in English again 
and I can’t pronounce anything right.

I freaked out because I sometimes don’t know what you’re saying,
 but I feel like I’m still able to understand you.

You freaked out because you know what you want but not how to get there, 
and your time is running out.

 I freaked out because I didn’t know what I want 
and we didn't have enough time to try.

You freaked out because nothing was happening 
and you waited for that chance to knock on your door.

I freaked out because nothing was happening 
and I’m just going in the same old circles.

You freaked out because you’re so polite and can’t stop apologizing and asking me if I’m okay, 
I freaked out because I’m not okay and scared of getting so used to you,
that I may need to start apologizing for missing you once you’re gone.

You freaked out, because I’m so high-maintance in comparison to everyone that you know,
I freaked out, because you never said what you need or want and that frustrated me.

I freaked out because sometimes it feels like i’m just sitting on my bed 
and listening to my own thoughts in a different language,
You freaked out because I may know too much and put it on the internet 
(I did, sorry about that).

I freak out because we have nothing in common and are still able to talk for 8 hours straight,
You freak out because you’re reading this right now, 
(but I kinda warned you, that I’d write about you at some point, so don’t hate me)

I freaked out because we shared a lot last night and it was the weirdest and most confusing friendship (haha) I’ve ever had, you freak out because you still don’t know when I’m joking, I might be sarcastic right now.

You freak out, because nothing might change, 
I freak out, because it actually could.



05.1.15

I felt like freaking out, because I’m still scared,
and I’ve given up a to act like I’m not.

I felt like freaking out, because you’re way more relaxed,
and i got awkward as soon as we touch and I don’t know what that means.

You freaked out, because of the mess in my head and the mess that I’m in bed,
almost as much as I used to get freaked out by not knowing if you are patient enough to put up with me and stay longer or leave forever.

You were freaked out by thinking about how hard it will be to be my boyfriend
when not even kissing works and I start giggling or change my mind every hour.

I freaked out every time you came over, because I enjoy getting touched by you so much, as long as it’s not certain parts, and that’s worrying

I freaked out because I was sometimes scared that you were going too far and too fast,
You freaked out because you knew what you wanted but not how to get it from me,
and our time was running out.

 I freaked out because I didn’t know what I want and where my limits were
and we didn't have enough time to try.

You freaked out because nothing was happening ,
I freaked out because nothing was happening 
and I was scared that what I could offer wasn't good enough.

You freaked out because I freaked out because I was not okay and scared of getting so used to you,
that I may need to start apologizing for missing you once you’re gone.

You freaked out, because I’m still so high-maintance in comparison to everyone that you know,
I freaked out, because I may not was what you needed or wanted and that frustrated me.

I freaked out because sometimes it felt like i was just laying on my bed, tangled in your arms and legs and everything was alright,
You freaked out because that shouldn’t be a reason to freak out.

I freaked out it took us a whole night to find a position we both could be comfortable in,
You freaked out because you’re reading this right now and I don’t know if I still feel this way next month or if we’re even still together then.

I freaked out because we shared a lot last night and it’s the weirdest and most confusing relationship I’ve ever had, you may freak out because I writing the honest truth right now.

You freak out, because hopefully things might change, 
I freak out, because maybe they never will.


17.01

I feel like freaking out, because I’m not scared anymore,
and I feel safer and happier than I want to admit.

I feel like freaking out, because you seem to feel the same way,
and it gets painful thinking about how you will leave in about a week.

You freak out, because of the mess you might have caused and you will leave behind,
almost as much as I’m freaked out by the unknown future you have ahead of you.

You freak out by thinking about how hard it is to be my boyfriend, you don’t like the tv shows I enjoy or the actors hanging above my bed.

I freak out every time you come over, because I don’t know if I will get any sleep and because I don’t seem to care about my sleep at all anymore.

I freak out because I’m normally scared of any germs,
You freak out because sharing our germs isn’t that big of a deal anymore.


I freak out because i changing my mind and my bed sheets every night and because you said that you “lightsaber me”.

You freak out because I freak out because after you’re gone everything will be like it was before and I have to go back and deal with my problems all by myself again.

You freak out, because you will have to deal with a lot of new problems,
I freak out, because I’m not able to help you at all.

I freak out because sometimes it feels like i’m just laying on my bed, tangled in your arms and legs and everything is alright,
You freak out because that shouldn’t be a reason to freak out.

I freak out because we finally found a comfortable position,
You freak out because we got used to each other so much faster than expected.

I freak out because we share a lot every night and it’s the weirdest and most serious relationship I’ve ever had, you freak out because I might be lying right now.

You freak out, because you don’t want things to change, 
I freak out, because they definitely will.


05.2.15
I probably won’t freak out anymore

No comments :

Post a Comment

A lover

Lili 9:11 AM , , , No comments


I want a lover who’s not afraid to play with fire 
and not ashamed to cry when he gets burned

I want a lover who will hug me, when I hate everything 
and hold me tight when I just want to run away, 
but doesn’t touch me, when I don’t want him to.

I want a lover who will kiss me, even though bad words came out of my mouth 
and who will say even worse words to me back, when my lips touch his body.

I want a lover who spills his heart and cleans up afterwards, 
someone who’d swim through the sea for me 
and cries a river if I’ll ever leave him,

I want a lover who knows his fate and but questions his destiny, 
someone who reads my words, but write’s his own life

I want a lover who is not afraid of trouble or hard times, 
but who appreciates stay-at-home-days and pizza in bed.

I want a lover who is not embarrassed to kiss a guy 
but admits that the only person he wants to kiss is me.

I want a lover who knows how to survive, but wouldn’t do it at all costs, 
someone who knows what he wants and how to get it, but is still open for everything

I want a lover who is everything at once when I’m a blank page 
and who’s nothing at all, when I’m an exploding firework.

I want a lover who’s not afraid of me 
but knows that I don’t need protection, 
who’s secretly  a bit scared of what I’ll come up with next time 
and who knows deep in his heart, that I sometimes need someone to take care of me.

I want a lover who knows where to touch me lightly and when to be rough, 
a man who speaks his mind whenever he feels like it, 
who’s so comfortable around me, that we can have farting competitions 
and who’s not gonna be angry, when I win.


I want a lover who goes straight to hell with me once we died, 
because living with him was heaven on earth

No comments :

Post a Comment

The morning after

Lili 6:16 AM , , No comments


In the last few days i've seen so many 'best of 2014' shows and 'my new year's resolutions' videos and 'what i've done last year and what i'm planning for 2015'-posts...

But that's not what i'm gonna do. Here on the touchingbutt-blog we have the real talk.

So, let me be honest:
 Nothing changed.
You woke up today and probably didn't feel motivated to work out,did not feel inspired to write a novel and your breakfast was left-overs from last night and not a healthy start in the day.
And that's totally okay.
You are not obligated to be a new human being, you have set yourself some goals and you have now 365 days to try to achieve them.
And you are allowed to fail, to cheat, to change your mind.
That doesn't make you a bad person or a loser.

It's important to check in with yourself every once in a while, to see if you're still on the right path for you, if you're still the (wo)man you want to be, it's good to change things and to have the ambition of becoming a better person with each year, but it's perfectly normal to make mistakes, to have bad days and to take small steps.

I want you to know that you're still loved even if you fall back into old habits, and that i appreciate your attempt in improving your lifestyle.

I believe that you have the ability to change your behaviour, think more positive thoughts and become a better version of yourself each and every day.

You can do it, but you don't have to, either way, i will be by your side.

No comments :

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Posts ( Atom )