Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
GESUCHT
es ist sonntagabend, 00:16 Uhr,
ich liege im bett, hab mich mit dem typen, den ich gerade date, gestritten, der job war doof heute, studium ist anstrengend und die katze hat gerade ins klo gekackt und alles müffelt.
ich bin unglücklich, und weiß nicht ob das eine aufgekommende depressive phase ist, das bedürfnis nach einem neuen haarschnitt, oder die erkenntnis, dass das leben sinnlos ist.
vermutlich alles so ein bisschen.
oder aber...
die erkenntnis, dass mir eins im leben fehlt.
nicht die große liebe, der durchbruch im job, der totale durchblick im studium oder die perfekte frisur.
sondern einfach eine freundin.
nicht dass ich schon welche hätte, aber ihr kennt das, man sieht sich zu selten, lebt sich auseinander, irgendwie ist es einfach nicht mehr diese bilderbuch-freundschaft, über die man früher gelesen hat oder die man ständig in serien sieht.
ich suche einen hafen zum ankommen, einen fels in der brandung, naja, oder jemand fürs platonische netflix und chill.
das ist so ungefähr die anzeige, die ich schreiben würde.
ich suche einen menschen, der mit mir befreundet sein möchte, das leben teilen, ohne drama, sex und andere probleme, jemand, mit dem man reden kann, über alles und nichts, dinge unternehmen kann und der für regelmäßigen kontakt auch tatsächlich zur verfügung steht.
klingt erbärmlich? ist auch so. das leben ist hart, wenn man klein und einsam ist, umgeben von bekannten und freunden, aber so der beste mensch ist trotzdem nicht dabei.
was ich biete?
drama - emotionales, beziehungstechnisches, existentielles.
aber auch mitgefühl, fürsorge, psychologisches grundwissen, toleranz, ausdauer und dedication.
außerdem jederzeit penis-witze und schlechte sexuelle anspielungen.
bewerbungen werden ab jetzt angenommen.
still loved
Im still
loved.
I know you
stopped loving me,
or maybe you didnt,
or maybe you never even loved me in the
first place.
But it’s
okay, not matter how you felt about me
or you feel about me now,
I haven’t
changed.
My worth is
untouched,
I’m still loveable,
no matter how many people love me back
or leave
me forever.
I’m not
defined by the people who love me
or who don’t like me.
I’m defined
by who I choose to love,
who I want to share my life with,
and oh boy, I loved you lots.
And I
shared everything with you,
trusted you more than anybody else,
trusted you more than anybody else,
thought we had
something special, a connection,
you loved me back,
you left me anyway.
And that’s
okay.
It has to be okay,
because if its not,
nothing else will ever be okay again.
I have to
accept, that loving and caring for someone
means losing them at some point.
You can't
keep someone forever,
nothing is forever,
and everything changes all the time.
It’s rare,
that two people
change the same amount
in the same time
and in the same way.
But is it
worth it,
to love,
if you know that you can only lose?
That there
will be no winner in the end,
just broken hearts and wasted time?
Good
memories with a bitter after taste,
salty tears and the exchange of bad words
where once trust and hugs ruled?
No matter
how and when it ends,
it will always be worth it.
I
refuse to become heartless
and even more
cynical,
because I keep getting hurt.
I won't let
stones weigh me down,
because I had some bad experiences,
when I could be
flying,
and having great experiences in the future.
I know that
people keep leaving,
and due to that I’m full of self-doubt and disgust,
and I can't even be
mad at them,
because we share this hatred for me,
I can't stand myself either,
and I would walk away if I could,
believe me.
So I have
no right to blame you for burning bridges.
But we
build a beautiful bridge
and I dare you to find someone
and I dare you to find someone
who carries your soul
the way I did.
I’ll suffer
now,
but oh dear,
you’ll suffer later.
Even though
my heart is broken right now,
I know that I’ll be okay.
I know that
I’ll get over it
and find someone new,
not to fill the hole that you created,
but to open up a new one
so they can leave their very own mark.
I won’t try
to replace you,
I’ll plant flowers on the grave of our friendship
and they’ll
grow into a garden
that I’ll never visit again.
In the
future, I won't deny myself the pleasure of intimacy,
because I’m scared of
loneliness.
I won't stop
smiling now,
just because I know that I will cry later.
I’ll still
be open and soft on the inside,
easy to bend and easier to break,
because
that’s what makes me me
and I won’t give you the pleasure of changing me,
making me a different person.
You didn't impress me that much.
And I wont
deny new people
the pleasure in getting to know the original me,
and not the
version that you destroyed and left.
I’ll be
great, if you witness it or not.
I’ll be
happy without you,
and sad, not just because of you.
I’m
loveable not matter if you’re around or not.
I’m still
loved, even though not by you.
And no, I wont
just ignore the fact that you're gone,
I wont just move on and pretend like
nothing happened,
I’ll pause everything,
fall down on my knees and cry,
because I’m
me,
because I care and I’m not afraid to still care,
even though you stopped
caring about me.
I’ll be sad
and angry and lonely,
and that’s okay.
I’ll have all of those feelings
and I’ll
cry a few times about you,
and that’s okay.
Because I rather care too much and
too long,
than never at all,
and I rather still think about you everyday
with a
tear in my eye,
than to forget everything
we had.
I’m not
impressed by your lack of emotion and regret,
I pity you for not being able to
feel enough,
for having to hide and be strong,
because I allow myself to be
weak
and to break down for someone,
that mattered to me.
I can’t
say, if you really don’t care anymore
or if you’re just scared of getting hurt,
but look at me,
I’m not scared,
I put everything out there for you to see and to
judge,
and it was no mistake,
because some day someone will come along
and see
the beauty in my faults
and cherish the things I can give,
in a way that you
obviously couldn’t.
I feel sad
for myself,
because I thought of you as a friend
and as it turns out,
you were
just a traveler,
stranded in my life by mistake.
And I feel sad for you,
because you missed the opportunity of being my friend,
of listening to my bad
jokes and my bad advice.
well, we all make mistakes and shit happens.
I know I’m far
away from being perfect,
but at least I’ve always been loyal, bitch.
break up
,
friendship
,
lili
,
love
,
self-love
about being a sinking ship and an anchor for someone else
or a text about life savers without any actual ships or mention of the ocean.
with a picture of a laying mug but no spilled tea in the following text.it's a metaphor.
Times are
tough.
i seem to have nothing but bad luck and tragedies and everyone around me is struggling,too.
i seem to have nothing but bad luck and tragedies and everyone around me is struggling,too.
We are all in
so much trouble, busy with our own shit , trying to keep our head up somehow, trying to function in this society - some of us are able
to do that, some of us break down.
It’s hard to
suffer and to keep up your relationships, especially if you have different
problems and are not able to make it through the same things at the same time.
I thought a
lot about this, the past few days and about how friendships or relationships
work.
it’s supposed to be the “in good and bad times” but you are not married to any of your friends or partners and even in marriage people leave.
it’s supposed to be the “in good and bad times” but you are not married to any of your friends or partners and even in marriage people leave.
Self-care always
comes first and there is always the possibility of people leaving before
someone else’s downfall destroys them as well.
Listening to
someone and helping them should not be a challenge or uncomfortable. It should
come naturally.
You only
have a certain amount of energy, especially in hard months and dividing this
between yourself and others is not easy. You need to have priorities, spend
some time and attention on yourself and some on the most important people in
your life.
In healthy friendships, you should get the same amount of attention, love and caring back.
In healthy friendships, you should get the same amount of attention, love and caring back.
We all
know, that there are still those people in your life, who don’t really benefit
your mental health, in the sense that they only take but never give. There is
always that one person, you’d always listen to for hours without expecting
anything in return, because you love them and you worry about them, but actually
they are dead weight for you.
And to keep the balance, you have to find someone who’ll listen to whatever you have to say, who catches you when you fall, who takes care of you while you’re taking care of someone else.
And to keep the balance, you have to find someone who’ll listen to whatever you have to say, who catches you when you fall, who takes care of you while you’re taking care of someone else.
It’s never fair.
it should be the same person, there should be someone who takes as much as they give, who doesn’t care who talks more and who needs to listen, someone who loves you and who you love and where everything feels so naturally and comfortable, that you can talk about anything anytime without worrying about who’s turn to rant it is.
Why is it
so hard to find that one person?
I can only speak from my experience and oh boy, the trust issues are real.
It’s not just the what-will-they-think-of-me-when-they-know-how-weird-i-am-problem, but also the fear of rejection and the fear that the other person won’t fullfill your expectations.
It’s hard
to admit defeat and showing weakness and maybe tears is difficult for some
people. Not just the act of opening up, but also responding to someone who shows
you their emotional side.
You can say “oh, talk to me anytime, I’ll be there for you” once and it won’t even matter. Of course they say it, everyone says it, but that’s just the theory, reality is different. The chosen person needs so much strengths, patience and empathy but at the same time the ability to keep a distance because I don’t want to be the reason for someone else’s pain.
On the other
side, I’m so tired of listening to other people and always saying the same old
sentences about how they can do it and how someone else is worth it and I’m so
tired of keeping a distance to myself and others.
I don’t know what to say most of the time.
I have no clue how the world works or what’s right or wrong.
But I don’t think that anyone really knows what’s going on.
I don’t know what to say most of the time.
I have no clue how the world works or what’s right or wrong.
But I don’t think that anyone really knows what’s going on.
Aside from
advice, the only thing we can give each other is space (for emotions, honesty
and break-downs), an open-minded, save environment and enough time.
I want you to cry in front of me, I want you to break down and scream and tell me what you really think and everything that’s going on.
I need you to trust me and to show me your 3am-nothing-is-fine-at-all-personality because I am afraid to show any part of me to anyone anymore. I feel like I’m a mess and like everything is wrong with me and I need to know that you trust me so that I can maybe start trusting you.
I want you to cry in front of me, I want you to break down and scream and tell me what you really think and everything that’s going on.
I need you to trust me and to show me your 3am-nothing-is-fine-at-all-personality because I am afraid to show any part of me to anyone anymore. I feel like I’m a mess and like everything is wrong with me and I need to know that you trust me so that I can maybe start trusting you.
I want to
talk about how that escalated again, about how I’m showing too much again about
how I literally cry during every episode of grey’s anatomy but am unable to cry
about dead relatives and dying hope.
I feel the need to apologize, about how I always make this about me and too deep and not funny and how I must be viewed as this black hole that swallows all the light and that sucks the life out of everyone who comes near me, but I bottle so much up and I’m not able to talk about it and I feel so alone even though I lost count of how many people talk to me daily and with talking I mean meaningless exchange of pointless puns but no communication.
I feel the need to apologize, about how I always make this about me and too deep and not funny and how I must be viewed as this black hole that swallows all the light and that sucks the life out of everyone who comes near me, but I bottle so much up and I’m not able to talk about it and I feel so alone even though I lost count of how many people talk to me daily and with talking I mean meaningless exchange of pointless puns but no communication.
There will
always be people who don’t care, who won’t make time for you, who have
different priorities. There will always be people leaving and hurting and
bleeding all over someone new.
It’s important
to take time for yourself and to make time for others.
Don’t underestimate the time that you spend in your head, you need to sort some things for yourself out first, but don’t overestimate this process, either.
You could spent the time with friends in their heads, even though you might believe that it won’t really help you, trigger you and just stress you out more, sometimes you need to get a new perspective of (your) life through the eyes of a friend, by listening and by talking.
Don’t underestimate the time that you spend in your head, you need to sort some things for yourself out first, but don’t overestimate this process, either.
You could spent the time with friends in their heads, even though you might believe that it won’t really help you, trigger you and just stress you out more, sometimes you need to get a new perspective of (your) life through the eyes of a friend, by listening and by talking.
On being honest and being harmful - the difference between being a good friend and being an asshole
It’s actually so easy.
Strange people who insult you? Ignore them.
They mean nothing to you and so should their words.
Friends or people, you are close to, that insult you? Make them to strangers.
Kick them out of your life, you don’t need them and they don’t deserve you.
Strange people who insult you? Ignore them.
They mean nothing to you and so should their words.
Friends or people, you are close to, that insult you? Make them to strangers.
Kick them out of your life, you don’t need them and they don’t deserve you.
Because there’s a difference between being rude and sharing positive
criticism.
There’s a difference between
“I think you can do this better, maybe try it again and change xyz”
and “I hate your feathered wings, they’re ugly.”
Friends tell you what they really think about something
1. if their input stops you from embarrassing yourself or
2. stops you from making a big mistake that could harm you in the future .
They care about you and have your best interest in mind.
Assholes on the other hand, thoughtlessly present you their unqualified opinion, without considering how you could react to it or how it could make you feel later on.
They don’t care about you.
You probably asked for the first thing.
You wanted an honest opinion on something you work on. The other person answers respectfully, but maybe harsh. You deal with it and consider their advice or tell them, that you don’t feel it. You talk about it. Like two human beings, on the same level, equal.
It’s a dialogue.
You didn’t ask for the second thing.
They just threw it at you. Without respect, a harmful comment.
Probably pointing something out, you are already aware of.
And maybe something you have no influence on. You didn’t choose your wings, you got it from your parents and even they had no saying in this matter.
They don’t expect you to change it or to reply.
What could you even say?
‘Yeah, I’ve already known that for twenty years’ or ‘Oh, I’m sorry that my body is bothering you, how would you like me to look like?’
It probably doesn’t have any sense or goal at all, it’s unnecessary.
It’s not criticisms; it’s just a plain rude monologue.
There’s a difference between
“I think you can do this better, maybe try it again and change xyz”
and “I hate your feathered wings, they’re ugly.”
Friends tell you what they really think about something
1. if their input stops you from embarrassing yourself or
2. stops you from making a big mistake that could harm you in the future .
They care about you and have your best interest in mind.
Assholes on the other hand, thoughtlessly present you their unqualified opinion, without considering how you could react to it or how it could make you feel later on.
They don’t care about you.
You probably asked for the first thing.
You wanted an honest opinion on something you work on. The other person answers respectfully, but maybe harsh. You deal with it and consider their advice or tell them, that you don’t feel it. You talk about it. Like two human beings, on the same level, equal.
It’s a dialogue.
You didn’t ask for the second thing.
They just threw it at you. Without respect, a harmful comment.
Probably pointing something out, you are already aware of.
And maybe something you have no influence on. You didn’t choose your wings, you got it from your parents and even they had no saying in this matter.
They don’t expect you to change it or to reply.
What could you even say?
‘Yeah, I’ve already known that for twenty years’ or ‘Oh, I’m sorry that my body is bothering you, how would you like me to look like?’
It probably doesn’t have any sense or goal at all, it’s unnecessary.
It’s not criticisms; it’s just a plain rude monologue.
Let’s talk about the consequences: Thanks to the freedom of speech, which
at least exists in my country (thank you for that by the way), you can
basically say or write anything as long as you can deal with the aftermath.
So like i already pointed out, I’d probably just drop the person who insulted me and that’s what they would have to live with.
But the other day as we had a conversation about this topic, a friend of mine (shout-out to Petyr – I told you I’d name you) added, that this behaviour can also have a follow-up for you - you may adopt that ‘mistake’ and wear it as an armour or use it as an weapon against someone else.
I know you can’t always control those things, emotional reactions and the ways of the human mind are complex and weird, but however the misfeature of someone else impacts you, you have no right to repeat their way of communication and no excuse to hurt someone else, just because you bleed.
In conclusion: Saying something offensive or wraping the words in bubble wrap or keeping something to yourself isn’t about honesty or pretending to like someone or faking friendship or lying to someone’s face.
This is about trust and respect, the most important things in any human relationship, platonic or not.
You just don’t do such a thing in any working friendship.
Don’t you realize, there are no benefits for you or the person you’re insulting?
But thanks for letting me know, how you feel about my wings.
It’s very important for me, because now I can change it until next time we met.
Oh yeah, wait, I remember.
That’ll be never.
So like i already pointed out, I’d probably just drop the person who insulted me and that’s what they would have to live with.
But the other day as we had a conversation about this topic, a friend of mine (shout-out to Petyr – I told you I’d name you) added, that this behaviour can also have a follow-up for you - you may adopt that ‘mistake’ and wear it as an armour or use it as an weapon against someone else.
I know you can’t always control those things, emotional reactions and the ways of the human mind are complex and weird, but however the misfeature of someone else impacts you, you have no right to repeat their way of communication and no excuse to hurt someone else, just because you bleed.
In conclusion: Saying something offensive or wraping the words in bubble wrap or keeping something to yourself isn’t about honesty or pretending to like someone or faking friendship or lying to someone’s face.
This is about trust and respect, the most important things in any human relationship, platonic or not.
You just don’t do such a thing in any working friendship.
Don’t you realize, there are no benefits for you or the person you’re insulting?
But thanks for letting me know, how you feel about my wings.
It’s very important for me, because now I can change it until next time we met.
Oh yeah, wait, I remember.
That’ll be never.
friends
,
friendship
,
honesty
,
lili
,
relationship
'People are strange' - the doors
About
being open (to everyone) and not close (to anyone) – the metaphor of the door
People are
like doors.
Some of them let you in, others never open up to you - and then there exist those that are a bit open, wide enough to place your foot inside the door frame or a hand or maybe your penis and they’ll stay that way for unpredictable time.
Sometimes those doors close within years, or you take your body part back and shut them yourself, sometimes they swing wide open all of a sudden or move quietly in the background until you accidentally stumble in.
Some of them let you in, others never open up to you - and then there exist those that are a bit open, wide enough to place your foot inside the door frame or a hand or maybe your penis and they’ll stay that way for unpredictable time.
Sometimes those doors close within years, or you take your body part back and shut them yourself, sometimes they swing wide open all of a sudden or move quietly in the background until you accidentally stumble in.
We all live
in a world full of doors.
Some people only have one door in their “house”, even though they never open it, others various.
Some people have one hand in this door, the other one in that, their left foot in one and their right foot in another and even their head somewhere else.
Some people are in the room behind one special door and will probably never leave.
Others are like hotel guests, spending short eternities or long moments in different rooms, never too long but always with their whole self.
Some people only have one door in their “house”, even though they never open it, others various.
Some people have one hand in this door, the other one in that, their left foot in one and their right foot in another and even their head somewhere else.
Some people are in the room behind one special door and will probably never leave.
Others are like hotel guests, spending short eternities or long moments in different rooms, never too long but always with their whole self.
His door
and my door don’t make a home.
There are times in my life, where I’ve find myself in a hallway full of doors, struggling to find the right one, ending up torn between different ones, my feet bruised and the bones crushed, my head full of different voices, but my heart outworn and empty.
I had homeruns, marathons, mazes, sprints and shortcuts, took the emergency exit or got kicked out, left with a smile on my lips or a tear in the eye, slamming my door loudly or closing it carefully.
There are times in my life, where I’ve find myself in a hallway full of doors, struggling to find the right one, ending up torn between different ones, my feet bruised and the bones crushed, my head full of different voices, but my heart outworn and empty.
I had homeruns, marathons, mazes, sprints and shortcuts, took the emergency exit or got kicked out, left with a smile on my lips or a tear in the eye, slamming my door loudly or closing it carefully.
Doors are
more than just options or opportunities.
It can be hard to decide which door to close and which to hold open,
when it’s time to leave or time to try harder.
I’ve been in many doors and many different stages, but never in the room behind it.
Nobody asked me in, on the other hand, I never invited whoever stood in my door frame.
The "door" doesn’t answer questions or talks back and is above all very mysterious to most people; most of the time you may not even realize who’s foot is secretly in your door, because you stare at the doorknob of someone else or he won’t notice on who’s doorstep you’ve been camping for weeks, sleeping there like a homeless dog , because he is busy drooling on someone else’s doormat.
Remember, that people are not only doors, but windows and walls.
Sometimes they have more to offer than you can see from the outside,
sometimes there’s nothing behind that door but old dust and hot air.
Some doors need to be first closed to open again, through some you’ll never fit, no matter how much you change. Others will grow with you or around you.
You don’t have to be open for everything, but try to be close to someone.
Don’t lock your door, but remember to change the locks every now and then,
don’t let a thief break in, but let someone steal your heart.
It can be hard to decide which door to close and which to hold open,
when it’s time to leave or time to try harder.
I’ve been in many doors and many different stages, but never in the room behind it.
Nobody asked me in, on the other hand, I never invited whoever stood in my door frame.
The "door" doesn’t answer questions or talks back and is above all very mysterious to most people; most of the time you may not even realize who’s foot is secretly in your door, because you stare at the doorknob of someone else or he won’t notice on who’s doorstep you’ve been camping for weeks, sleeping there like a homeless dog , because he is busy drooling on someone else’s doormat.
Remember, that people are not only doors, but windows and walls.
Sometimes they have more to offer than you can see from the outside,
sometimes there’s nothing behind that door but old dust and hot air.
Some doors need to be first closed to open again, through some you’ll never fit, no matter how much you change. Others will grow with you or around you.
You don’t have to be open for everything, but try to be close to someone.
Don’t lock your door, but remember to change the locks every now and then,
don’t let a thief break in, but let someone steal your heart.
boyfriend
,
doors
,
friendship
,
girlfriend
,
heart
,
lili
,
love
,
metaphor
,
relationships
Life as a bra- Thoughts on supporting people 24/7 and getting thrown in a corner by the end of the day
It took me quite some time to realise that I am not a bra and won't let people treat me like one anymore. I tend to give more than I have and if someone asked for it, I would give them my last breath. It is not that I do not like being there for people- I mean that's like 50% of a good friendship, right? But the other 50% should be your friends being there for you, which is not the case in about half my friendships.
I deserve better. I deserve more than just the "Can you come over, I'm sad" calls.
I grew up with the phrase "Treat others like you want to be treated" and I still live after this, but what if I treat others so much better than they treat me? What if they won't ever realise that I am worth more than just the sad days? What if I give others so much that one day there is nothing left of me? What if one day people ask me "Who were your best friends when you were younger, who treated you like you deserve it?" and I won't be able to think of one single name, not even my own, because I was so busy being there for others that I forgot about being there for myself? No matter how much you love someone, you need to ask yourself if they realise how much you are worth. Did they ever say thank you? Did they ever stay up all night for you because you did not want to be alive any longer? Nobody thanks their bra in the evening. Nobody thinks "Wow, you did a great job supporting my boobies today". People throw their bra in the corner because it does not matter, because it is a matter of course, an object. You are much more than a bra. You are your own person and do not let people make you feel otherwise. Don't ever let others drown you by letting them hold on to your head while you are underwater.
By the end of the day, there is only one person you should love with all your heart, only one person you should give all you can; yourself. Remember to take care of yourself and if that means kicking someone out of your life even though you like them a lot then you go for it.
People say there's nothing worse than being lonely, but I'd prefer being lonely over being with people who forget that I need a hug sometimes, too. Sometimes you just gotta touch your own butt.
I deserve better. I deserve more than just the "Can you come over, I'm sad" calls.
I grew up with the phrase "Treat others like you want to be treated" and I still live after this, but what if I treat others so much better than they treat me? What if they won't ever realise that I am worth more than just the sad days? What if I give others so much that one day there is nothing left of me? What if one day people ask me "Who were your best friends when you were younger, who treated you like you deserve it?" and I won't be able to think of one single name, not even my own, because I was so busy being there for others that I forgot about being there for myself? No matter how much you love someone, you need to ask yourself if they realise how much you are worth. Did they ever say thank you? Did they ever stay up all night for you because you did not want to be alive any longer? Nobody thanks their bra in the evening. Nobody thinks "Wow, you did a great job supporting my boobies today". People throw their bra in the corner because it does not matter, because it is a matter of course, an object. You are much more than a bra. You are your own person and do not let people make you feel otherwise. Don't ever let others drown you by letting them hold on to your head while you are underwater.
By the end of the day, there is only one person you should love with all your heart, only one person you should give all you can; yourself. Remember to take care of yourself and if that means kicking someone out of your life even though you like them a lot then you go for it.
People say there's nothing worse than being lonely, but I'd prefer being lonely over being with people who forget that I need a hug sometimes, too. Sometimes you just gotta touch your own butt.
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