Showing posts with label poem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poem. Show all posts
a diary, a book, a poem
look at me,
born as pure as a blank piece of paper.
and look at me now: i'm crinkled and full of cuts,
full of lies and crossed out words.
and non of those words are mine.
strangers wrote all over me.
i'm full of the traces others left on me,
between the lines you might read
that they treated me like they've been treated before,
so don't blame them for dealing with their pain
in an unhealthy, destructive way,
they never learned to do it differently.
from generation to generation,
you get this burden of tragedy,
wrapped like a nice present under the christmas tree.
you'll wear it with pride and predjudice,
it'll be heavy and smother you, until you panic and run away.
here comes the (bride with the) commitment issues.
9 months pregnant with this foul aftertaste,
the bad words left in your mouth: "love","promise","support",
burning on your tongue like the lies never did.
the truth is hard to swallow,
the knowledge that something isn't right
and not like it should be, chokes you,
but with the right drink everything washes down quickly.
in labour, shouting at the child you're bearing,
as if it's her fault, that she has her father's eyes,
that you once longingly looked into
like you saw a bright future in them.
the baby is born,
or should i say the product of something that nobody would dare to call love.
congrats, it's emotional instability!
for every kiss there is also a fist being placed on a face,
every nice word is worth nothing,
if it's shouted in an ear at night
instead of whispered the next morning.
there's nothing good or pure in this world,
everything we do is based on our own egoistic wishes and twisted perception,
everythig turns to shit at some point, no matter how beautiful it has been.
every blank page of every new notebook
will end up in unreadable scribbles about nothing,
dark ink will sink into the white pages
and turn innocence into something evil.
look at me, born as pure as an empty piece of paper.
and now i'm the diary of a dyfunctional family,
who could write a book about bad decisions
and this is a poem of pain.
family
,
lili
,
love
,
poem
,
relationship
A lover
I want a
lover who’s not afraid to play with fire
and not ashamed to cry when he gets
burned
I want a
lover who will hug me, when I hate everything
and hold me tight when I just
want to run away,
but doesn’t touch me, when I don’t want him to.
I want a
lover who will kiss me, even though bad words came out of my mouth
and who will
say even worse words to me back, when my lips touch his body.
I want a
lover who spills his heart and cleans up afterwards,
someone who’d swim through
the sea for me
and cries a river if I’ll ever leave him,
I want a
lover who knows his fate and but questions his destiny,
someone who reads my words,
but write’s his own life
I want a
lover who is not afraid of trouble or hard times,
but who appreciates stay-at-home-days
and pizza in bed.
I want a
lover who is not embarrassed to kiss a guy
but admits that the only person he wants
to kiss is me.
I want a
lover who knows how to survive, but wouldn’t do it at all costs,
someone who
knows what he wants and how to get it, but is still open for everything
I want a
lover who is everything at once when I’m a blank page
and who’s nothing at all,
when I’m an exploding firework.
I want a
lover who’s not afraid of me
but knows that I don’t need protection,
who’s
secretly a bit scared of what I’ll come
up with next time
and who knows deep in his heart, that I sometimes need someone
to take care of me.
I want a
lover who knows where to touch me lightly and when to be rough,
a man who
speaks his mind whenever he feels like it,
who’s so comfortable around me, that
we can have farting competitions
and who’s not gonna be angry, when I win.
I want a
lover who goes straight to hell with me once we died,
because living with him
was heaven on earth
lili
,
poem
,
poetry
,
relationships
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
I’m hungry and I want to get some breakfast after I laid awake
and cursed the whole night through,
because I couldn’t
stop thinking about you.
This won’t
even be poetry so fuck the rhymes,
I can’t even write -
I’m so
stupid.
No actually,
i’m pretty intelligent,
but never as intelligent as you claim to be.
I guess I’m
stupid because I thought it would be different this time.
But you’re
stupid as well, because you made the same mistake again.
We talk for
hours,
or maybe you just talk and I picture my world around you,
how I would
fit in it, how I could change
to wrap my life around your body like a warming
blanket.
You say, we
have nothing in common
and all I can think about is this song,
and I ask you
about breakfast at tiffany’s and you just don’t care.
The only
thing we have in common is that we both love you.
You tell me
about the pretty mouth that you're kissing
and sharing your coffee in the morning with now,
about the eyes that you are able to see every day at work
and the hair you find inbetween your pillows.
You'd show me a x-ray of her head if that could make me see how clever she is
and list all the things you have in common.-
My best
friend says she probably just you in a wig,
because we
know you’ll never be able to love someone beside yourself.
Sorry my soul is just a deep blue something, like my eyes,
i know they are not pretty enough,
sorry my brain cells are just full of useless stuff and unbalanced chemicals,
sorry i don't speak your language and sorry for using mine now.
Sorry my soul is just a deep blue something, like my eyes,
i know they are not pretty enough,
sorry my brain cells are just full of useless stuff and unbalanced chemicals,
sorry i don't speak your language and sorry for using mine now.
I thought I
was one of those people who knew you
and I felt like you wanted to get to know
me,too,
but after all these years it’s almost over for me and for you it never even
started.
I was dropping hints like bricks, but all they did was silently land on my foot and hurt me.
You go to
the library by day and into stranger’s bedrooms at night,
insert knowledge into
your brain and then your cock into
– my heart like a knife.
I do
neither of those, I feed my brain with thoughts of us
and your rejection fucks
me (over) enough.
I’ll do the
same thing over and over again,
because I go lightly
and it seems like I enjoy
the pain
as long as it means that I could stay by your side,
even though you
never look at me like Paul looked at Holly.
I’ll wait
for you, until you get out of your little box,
out of that prison you built
yourself
out of arrogance and to protect your heart
and I’ll wait for you,
until we both turn to dust …
…and the
vacuum cleaner get us -
because fuck cheesy metaphors, I don’t want to wait
forever,
but my feet are glued to the ground where you spoke with a honey
filled voice to me.
I knew life
wasn’t a romantic comedy, but at least I tried
and you’re just a dream maker, a
heart breaker,
I thought we were after the same rainbow’s end, but I’ll eat my
breakfast alone.
audrey
,
guest author
,
poem
,
poetry
Give it up (for)
Here’s to
the fucking darkness
the fucking darkness
that it might finally overcome me
and smother me
under it’s heavy wings.
and smother me
under it’s heavy wings.
Here’s to the fucking heartbreak
and lovesickness
and lovesickness
the unsaid words and this one word,
too much,
overkill,
i wish i could take it back,
all the words,
every honest thing I’ve ever said,
which you twisted
and turned
and shouted back at me,
the sharp edges of every letter cutting my face
until I cried tears of blood-
too much,
overkill,
i wish i could take it back,
all the words,
every honest thing I’ve ever said,
which you twisted
and turned
and shouted back at me,
the sharp edges of every letter cutting my face
until I cried tears of blood-
liar.
Here’s to everything left
and to nothing,
all my ‘i love you’s',
cried out loud in the wind,
shattered and lost,
never replied,
I don’t even know if you received them.
and to nothing,
all my ‘i love you’s',
cried out loud in the wind,
shattered and lost,
never replied,
I don’t even know if you received them.
Here’s to my sadness,
my bitterness,
my never ending darkness,
here’s to fuck everything,
fuck you,
fuck,
fuck me ,
please.
my bitterness,
my never ending darkness,
here’s to fuck everything,
fuck you,
fuck,
fuck me ,
please.
I remember your wide arms
and soft hands
and hot mouth
and heavy breathing.
Picking nicknames for us like flower petals,
growing roses on asphalt
and talking in the light
of blooming flowers of fire in our veins.
and soft hands
and hot mouth
and heavy breathing.
Picking nicknames for us like flower petals,
growing roses on asphalt
and talking in the light
of blooming flowers of fire in our veins.
Here’s to screw forgiveness,
screw the past,
screw you,
I wish I didn’t,
here’s to unrequired love,
ignorance
and fucking pain.
screw the past,
screw you,
I wish I didn’t,
here’s to unrequired love,
ignorance
and fucking pain.
Nights in the bathtube,
sailors of the sky,
‘love you to the moon and back’,
'I’ll name a star after you',
the star is dead and the moon never cared anyway
sailors of the sky,
‘love you to the moon and back’,
'I’ll name a star after you',
the star is dead and the moon never cared anyway
Here’s to drawing red lines
with a black pen
on white arms
and ripping off
thousends of band-aids
of hairy skin,
ripping it from my skull,
my heart,
while trying to forget you,
not even forgetting you,
overcoming you,
not even overcoming you,
trying to cope with your non-existence.
with a black pen
on white arms
and ripping off
thousends of band-aids
of hairy skin,
ripping it from my skull,
my heart,
while trying to forget you,
not even forgetting you,
overcoming you,
not even overcoming you,
trying to cope with your non-existence.
Worse -
you are still there,
but not here with me,
you still exist,
but without my warm body
next to yours,
you still live,
but not for me.
you are still there,
but not here with me,
you still exist,
but without my warm body
next to yours,
you still live,
but not for me.
Here’s to just trying
to keep on living,
to keep on living,
breathing hurts like a motherfucker
.
.
Here’s to never.
Here’s to never love.
Here’s to never loved you.
Here’s to love you
Here’s to you
Here’s to never
again.
"i promised my mother never to behave self-destructive again, so i left you"
ON BREAKING AND MISSING
I
poured myself into
I
poured myself into
you.
I
crushed my heart
and broke my thoughts down
so I could feed them to
you.
I
gave you all until I felt empty
because you gave me nothing back.
You
let me starve while eating my soul
and puked it right into my face later on.
I
never saw yours.
The more I trusted you, the more I could feel you leaving
and the more I opened up to you, the more I started to miss
you.
But now I think I gave too much of myself away and I'm just missing
me.
crushed my heart
and broke my thoughts down
so I could feed them to
you.
I
gave you all until I felt empty
because you gave me nothing back.
You
let me starve while eating my soul
and puked it right into my face later on.
I
never saw yours.
The more I trusted you, the more I could feel you leaving
and the more I opened up to you, the more I started to miss
you.
But now I think I gave too much of myself away and I'm just missing
me.
WAYS OF SELF-DESTRUCTION
1. The easiest way of suicide is falling in love and then crashing on reality
2. I have the choice whether I want to get smothered by the loneliness or suffocate when my oxygen leaves me again. And I chose to kill myself before anybody else gets the chance.
3. I guess that’s why some people hurt themselves, they rather slit their own wrists and watch the warm life and red passion stream out, than give somebody else the power to destroy them
4. Once life cut so deep in my veins, I called you crying for help and you came over and wrote a poem about the beauty of death, while I was dying.
5. My mother taught me that clinging on a life saver won’t teach you how to swim and that you’ll drown eventually
6. I can’t allow myself the pleasure of counting on someone, of depending on other people - ‘cause i know they gonna leave me and I’m so scared of having happiness in numbered days and then an eternity of sorrow
7. Dealing with the pain you caused is impossible, when you’re my only way of coping and that’s why people overdose on pills and sleep forever instead of staying awake and facing the dark
4. Once life cut so deep in my veins, I called you crying for help and you came over and wrote a poem about the beauty of death, while I was dying.
5. My mother taught me that clinging on a life saver won’t teach you how to swim and that you’ll drown eventually
6. I can’t allow myself the pleasure of counting on someone, of depending on other people - ‘cause i know they gonna leave me and I’m so scared of having happiness in numbered days and then an eternity of sorrow
7. Dealing with the pain you caused is impossible, when you’re my only way of coping and that’s why people overdose on pills and sleep forever instead of staying awake and facing the dark
4
LETTERS
Every time I heard your name and saw the wrong face, i started humming a Nick
Cave song, every time I read those four letters, I tried to carve them into my
flesh because I want to feel close to you again.
I ruined my Marc Jacobs dress , but I just kept bleeding through everything I wear, because Karl Lagerfeld and fashion can go to hell, I’ll be waiting there.
Remember how I wrote you 4 letters, feeling like John Keats, each one explaining how I can’t breathe without you being around and how I’m trying to burry my pain and how I fail at forgetting?
I ruined my Marc Jacobs dress , but I just kept bleeding through everything I wear, because Karl Lagerfeld and fashion can go to hell, I’ll be waiting there.
Remember how I wrote you 4 letters, feeling like John Keats, each one explaining how I can’t breathe without you being around and how I’m trying to burry my pain and how I fail at forgetting?
I've burned every single one of them, let the fire lick the letters of your name
from the page as if it could erase you from my memory as well - like Luke
Skywalker erased the death star from the universe - because I knew you would
have done the same if I’d ever sent them to you.
I’ve met 3 other people with your name since then, one looking like Finn Harries, one singing like Liam Payne and one as famous as Sean Connery, but I’d even ignore James Bond, because none of them are you.
I’ve met 3 other people with your name since then, one looking like Finn Harries, one singing like Liam Payne and one as famous as Sean Connery, but I’d even ignore James Bond, because none of them are you.
Those 4 letters bring this funny taste back into my mouth, sweet and salty,
sugar and tears, I know it’s blood because I bite my tongue to keep me from
screaming.
Change always bothered me, but since you left I can’t stand the stillness. I can’t stop moving or thinking or caring, oh I wish I could just stop caring, like Milo Ventimiglia as Jess Mariano never seemed to give a fuck. You are everywhere, every song is about you and i’m scared of turning on the radio because it might be a love song by Phil Collins and the only sound I want to hear is your voice again.
Change always bothered me, but since you left I can’t stand the stillness. I can’t stop moving or thinking or caring, oh I wish I could just stop caring, like Milo Ventimiglia as Jess Mariano never seemed to give a fuck. You are everywhere, every song is about you and i’m scared of turning on the radio because it might be a love song by Phil Collins and the only sound I want to hear is your voice again.
FIVE
I.
I’m one of those people, who care too much.
While you don’t care at all.
I’ll give you my whole arm, if you need a hand.
I’ll like you from the start and until the end and way too intense.
I’ll grab the numbers out of the clock and stop the sun from setting and the moon from rising with my bare hands,
just for you.
I’ll think about you, and talk about you and just wanna be with you all the time.
While you don’t care at all.
I’ll give you my whole arm, if you need a hand.
I’ll like you from the start and until the end and way too intense.
I’ll grab the numbers out of the clock and stop the sun from setting and the moon from rising with my bare hands,
just for you.
I’ll think about you, and talk about you and just wanna be with you all the time.
II.
Once you betray me, hurt me, disrespect me or make me stop loving myself,
like you stopped loving me,
I’ll kick you the fuck out of my life and out of my body like a cell of cancer.
I’ll cut you off like a diseased limp.
I’ll bleed to death, just to get every piece of you out of my system.
I’ll change my name and face just to cut the association with the person in all those pictures with you, I write our
story down and burn the book, like it’s a way I could erase our past from the world.
like you stopped loving me,
I’ll kick you the fuck out of my life and out of my body like a cell of cancer.
I’ll cut you off like a diseased limp.
I’ll bleed to death, just to get every piece of you out of my system.
I’ll change my name and face just to cut the association with the person in all those pictures with you, I write our
story down and burn the book, like it’s a way I could erase our past from the world.
III.
I may come back to you, after the sea is calm again, after the waves of hate and pain have left me, just like you did.
I’ll give you a second chance. I’ll give you a third chance.
I’ll hand them out like flyer for the party that might be my life, if I could only have you back in it.
I forget the bad memories, paint you with red tears and lonely sunday afternoons on my wrist, hoping the picture
in my head of you could just come alive.
I’ll change the world for you, I’ll change me for you.
I’ll give you a second chance. I’ll give you a third chance.
I’ll hand them out like flyer for the party that might be my life, if I could only have you back in it.
I forget the bad memories, paint you with red tears and lonely sunday afternoons on my wrist, hoping the picture
in my head of you could just come alive.
I’ll change the world for you, I’ll change me for you.
IV.
Then at some point, I’ll let it be.
Because you let me down.
I'm touching the dark fire and feel the burning cold lighten me up
I’m always saying this, that I’ll leave you, give up and stop caring and I never do it,
but one time, after months, maybe years, I will stop dropping everything for you,
pick up my scrambled thoughts like broken eggs, which I’ve bleed out 5 times, since I last saw you
I’m leaving you behind and move on with different people.
Because you let me down.
I'm touching the dark fire and feel the burning cold lighten me up
I’m always saying this, that I’ll leave you, give up and stop caring and I never do it,
but one time, after months, maybe years, I will stop dropping everything for you,
pick up my scrambled thoughts like broken eggs, which I’ve bleed out 5 times, since I last saw you
I’m leaving you behind and move on with different people.
V.
boyfriend
,
break up
,
general trigger
,
lili
,
love
,
poem
,
poetry
,
tw: selfharm
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