Get to know me (more than you ever wanted to)
Ein Video-Ding
zum Thema Intimität, Internet, Informationen und
wie-viel-gebe-ich-eigentlich-wirklich-von-mir-preis.
Ich habe mir
die Frage gestellt, was ein paar Fotos und Worte alles über einen Menschen
aussagen können und ob es reicht um jemanden so gut zu kennen,dass man ihn lieben
oder hassen kann.
Ob die Befürchtungen, die man hat, gerechtfertigt sind, wie
verletzlich man sich dabei macht, was die Konsequenzen sein könnten, ob das
eine Grau-Zone ist, oder ob es klare Regeln gibt,was man mit der "Öffentlichkeit" und Fremden teilen darf und ob wir überhaupt nicht
eigentlich alle ehrlicher und offener sein sollten.
Im hiermit
stattfindenden Selbstexperiment überschreite ich jede Regel,die ich gefunden
habe und gebe die Dinge preis, die man im Internet besser nicht zeigen sollte.
TRIGGER WARNING bezüglich psychischer Krankheiten, speziell Depressionen,Panikattacken und Essstörungen - es werden keine expliziten Bilder gezeigt
A poem about the world we live in
feminism
,
lili
,
poetry
,
sexism
,
trigger warning
,
tw:rape
No comments
THREE FRIENDS
I have
three friends who have been raped,
two friends who have been touched
below the waist without their consent,
one friend who went to the police
and I am so afraid.
two friends who have been touched
below the waist without their consent,
one friend who went to the police
and I am so afraid.
I have
four
friends who have been catcalled this week,
three friends who had strangers touch them on the train in the last 3 days,
two friends who were scared to go out at night yesterday
one friend who just called me on her way home because she didn’t want to walk alone
and today I am so frustrated.
three friends who had strangers touch them on the train in the last 3 days,
two friends who were scared to go out at night yesterday
one friend who just called me on her way home because she didn’t want to walk alone
and today I am so frustrated.
I have
five friends who are boys,
four of them are straight,
three of them have sisters, who they had to defend at least once against violent men,
two of them are worried about the safety of their girlfriends,
one of them has been raped last summer
and I am still so angry.
I have
four of them are straight,
three of them have sisters, who they had to defend at least once against violent men,
two of them are worried about the safety of their girlfriends,
one of them has been raped last summer
and I am still so angry.
I have
six friends who are feminists,
five friends who work hard to change society,
four friends who have been threatened because of their beliefs,
three friends who didn’t have a choice about their first sexual experience,
two friends who now fear any sexual contact,
one friend who was supposed to have her first time with her first love
she had a girlfriend at that time, but he didn’t even care
and I am so sad.
five friends who work hard to change society,
four friends who have been threatened because of their beliefs,
three friends who didn’t have a choice about their first sexual experience,
two friends who now fear any sexual contact,
one friend who was supposed to have her first time with her first love
she had a girlfriend at that time, but he didn’t even care
and I am so sad.
I have
seven friends who deserve justice,
six friends who shouldn’t be brave to leave the house at night,
five friends who were supposed to be able to wear what they want,
four friends who wouldn’t have made it without therapy,
three friends that want their innocence back,
two friends who would have deserved a choice about what happens with their bodies that night,
one friend who could still be alive
and I, i am so afraid.
six friends who shouldn’t be brave to leave the house at night,
five friends who were supposed to be able to wear what they want,
four friends who wouldn’t have made it without therapy,
three friends that want their innocence back,
two friends who would have deserved a choice about what happens with their bodies that night,
one friend who could still be alive
and I, i am so afraid.
the clown that cried at night - Part 1 of 2
comedy
,
depression
,
lili
,
mental illness
,
notjustsad
,
twitter
No comments
Have you ever
laughed so hard,
you started crying?
Have you ever felt
pain so intense, a loss hurt you so much,
that after days of
crying,
you started laughing at a funeral?
Laughing and
crying, two physical reactions that are sometimes impossible to separate.
 |
| "the sad clown" by Jordan Robin,; 14/11/14; http://www.deviantart.com/ |
I’m gonna be very brave right now and say something I
strongly believe in:
I think that most funny people are deeply unhappy.
I think that there has never been a mental stable and
content comedian.
Everyone who claims that they are not broken, are just trying
to block it out.
I know that cracking jokes about problems is so much
easier than going through therapy and the dark corners of the mind.
I believe, that – no matter how cheesy this will
sound - the clown wears his mask to hide his tears. I’m sure, that the clown
doesn’t want to face reality, this is a way of dealing with struggle, and he needs the distance between him and his life through his
jokes and the audience.
It’s important to remember, the one who cracks the joke
isn’t the one who laughs.
Have you ever met someone who is really funny, not in
an immature kind of way, but his responses are witty, his timing perfect, the
whole act so well written and performed?
- When was the last time you have seen this person laugh?
- When was the last time you have seen this person laugh?
It’s not easy to make a comedian laugh - the depressed
clown, this image itself is as funny as it is sad.
But depressed people are #notjustsad.
Sometimes they never seem to be sad, but hyper and energetic and full of life.
Sometimes they can't get out of bed but still laugh about stupid tv shows.
Sometimes they are talented and intelligent and beautiful and loveable and they want to kill themselves despite all that.
Sometimes they don't even want to end their life, just end the boredom and the constant loneliness, Sometimes they are out every night and dance until sunrise,
sometimes they are not able to get up and eat or shower.
Depression is much more than sadness. It's not a mood or a choice or a lazy lifestyle.
Depression can be dark and pitch black, but it can also be bright red or a dusty grey colour. Depression comes in many shades.
It's not a secret that i am depressed. I stated it more than once here already.
But just because i was diagnosed with it a few year ago, doesn't mean that i always know what i'm talking about.
I don't know how you feel.
I don't even know how i feel most of the time.
I don't want to only live amongst depressed people, but the funyn thing is, i seem to attract them or they attract me, now more than ever.
I'm talking about the sarcastic ones, those kind of people I always seem to like instantly and i can relate to the most.
But just because i was diagnosed with it a few year ago, doesn't mean that i always know what i'm talking about.
I don't know how you feel.
I don't even know how i feel most of the time.
I don't want to only live amongst depressed people, but the funyn thing is, i seem to attract them or they attract me, now more than ever.
I'm talking about the sarcastic ones, those kind of people I always seem to like instantly and i can relate to the most.
The ones who wear their hatred for
the world and their cynicism like a t-shirt, those who despise themselves
almost more than they hate to appear vunerable or to open up, the men and women
who are so self-aware and confident that they are able joke about their own
failures and who are not afraid of presenting themselves as flawed human beings
or to make a fool out of themselves.
I seem to fall for the people with an easy-going
mentality, but at the same time such a dark and dry sense of humor that
everything they say is a little bit morbid and twisted, but they are still
clever and caring enough to not cross certain boundaries and are able to
deliver it lightly and always to the right time.
That’s what's fascinating about high quality
comedy: That it’s not fart-jokes or babbling about sex - it’s the sad truth
hidden in one-liners and pain behind puns, it’s the fine line between laughing and crying
that really hits home and triggers emotions.
I want to add something important, that kind of inspired me to write this: the
hashtag #notjustsad on twitter (which is a good example of stereotypes about
depression, like the ‘fact’ that depressed people can’t feel things, be funny or
laugh). Go and check it out, let's raise more awareness about depression, let's erase stigma and let's not be shitheads.
comedy out of crisis - Part 2 of 2
On a scale
from Joey Tribbiani to Chandler Bing,
how happy are you?
And on the
same scale,
how great is your ability to create jokes?
 |
We all know comedians who killed themselves.
It’s not unknown, that many famous, funny people suffer with mental problems.
It’s almost general knowledge, how many talented (wo)men, that make a
whole crowd laugh every night, need alcohol, drugs and medication to make it
through the day.
Listen, about what do those people joke?
About their shitty childhood? A missing
parent?
About being unpopular and ‘special’?
About being unlucky in love?
About
their appearance? About being too fat, too small, too stupid, too naïve?
Where do you think those jokes come from?
Have you ever thought that this could be a coping mechanism?
When you
feel like you have nothing else you can offer this world, not enough beauty,
just average intelligence, no special talents, humor can be your thing.
As soon
as you are able to see beyond the wall of hopelessness and self-hatred, you may decide to turn your torture into a show. Sometimes it’s not even a conscious decision,
but more a psychological process of how your brain deals with hard times.
Don’t get
me wrong, being funny is not easy. It would be so much easier to lay in bed and
cry all day, on the other hand, in that case you have to open up, admit defeat
and acknowledge your problems and let them get to you and so many people are –for
so many different reasons - not able to do that.
Jokes make such a good armour, you can hide everything behind them and
create a cartoon character of yourself so no one ever has to see how damaged and insecure you really are.
If you spent the
first few years of your life being laughed at, it feels so good to say something
people can laugh about.
You have the choice wether you want to make your flaws your biggest
weakness or wether you make them the punch line of your jokes. You can try to
hide them or you wear them in front of you, so no one can hold them against
you.
Make the dirtiest joke about the size of your boobs, so no one else can
say it first and hurt you.
Tell the most macabre anecdote about your alcoholic father
who used to hit you and left your mum – no one will be able to say something meaner
than you just did.
To have this power, this control to make everyone in the room see and
maybe even like you, just a few perfectly chosen words in the right moment can make you feel so much better.
I'd like to intruduce to you the genius
that is Bo Burnham,
who wrote and performed
an unbelievable show called "What"
which you can watch on netflix
and youtube and which
is not only extremely witty,
incredible insightful and funny,
but will also make you think.
that is Bo Burnham,
who wrote and performed
an unbelievable show called "What"
which you can watch on netflix
and youtube and which
is not only extremely witty,
incredible insightful and funny,
but will also make you think.
I highly recommend to watch it all,
but here are his songs "We Think We Know You" and "Sad" ,
in case you don't have time to watch it all.
____________________________________________________________________________________
source of the picture: http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/16200000/Joey-Tribbiani-and-Chandler-Bing-joey-chandler-and-ross-16243664-287-350.jpg; from the page fanpop.com, visited 14/11/14
Last Night I dreamed I ate out a girl again
(i'm still thinking about "Rebecca")
,
bisexuality
,
guest author
,
Lizzy_Whatever
,
sexuality
1 comment
I first started questioning my sexuality when I was 13 and hadn’t been kissed.
It was something
that really bugged me because I really liked a guy and I knew he had
girlfriends before and I felt inexperienced.
My best Friend at the time, H., had moved away a couple of months earlier and was
having a sleep over at my house. As I told her how I felt we suddenly had a
solution. I would practice my first Kiss with her, like all the girls in the trashy romance novels we read did.
The kiss was good
and we didn’t stop after kissing once and my first nearly sexual experience was
with a girl. I won’t go into detail, even though I know some people would like
to hear how passionate it went - but we were just thirteen year-old girls.
After that, me and
that guy became a couple but H. and I had conversations about how I was
questioning if I was gay.
I didn’t know about terms like Pan-, Bi- or Asexuality and I put all thoughts of it behind a big wall in my brain and ignored
it.
It helped my troubled teenager mind and I did not care about it other than
to tell boys stories about me and other girls that would turn them on.
Y. and I got to know
each other on twitter.
She was two years older than me and conveniently lived
in my area.
We met a couple of times through the years and I kissed her a
couple of times but it was never serious.
Most of the times we both had
boyfriends and I can’t speak for her but I believed she was more into boys than
me but I can’t fault her for that nor can I be sure about it.
Not a lot of people know about it.
I told a couple of trustworthy friends, of which some already figured it out themselves.
I was never secretive about being turned on by girls or women and I am glad to say that none of them was openly shocked or angry or told anyone I didn’t want to know.
The Internet knows, I think my Mum suspected for some time but as I am currently in love with a boy, she does not care.
I am afraid of telling my sister or my cousins because I heard them making derogatory comments about a lesbian couple.
I sometimes dream of eating out a girl.
Maybe I’ll someday find that I am not romantically attracted to Women.
But until then, I’m bisexual and I am glad I figured it out.
It does not matter how many people know right now and how many of them really accept it.
What matters most to me is that I accepted this part of me as something that is there and which doesn’t need changing
________________________________________________________________
there will be some more blog posts about sexuality, gender (and everything you want to read or write about) in terms of this topics in the following weeks -
I'll try my best to write something about it, but i'm the jon snow of sexual orientation and gender issues, so please, if you are interested in writing about it or know things the world should know, contact me via facebook or twitter or in the comments and you can give your words a place to be heared and (almost) every opinion will get published \o/
temporary forever and everlasting change
everything is temporary
change is unavoidable
nothing is forever
development is possible
(development is possible, change is easy, but taking great photos is hard)
a fearful warrior
anxiety
,
anxiety disorder
,
dating
,
depression
,
lili
,
panic attacks
,
panic disorder
No comments
I’ve met
this boy who asked me, if i want to go on a date with him and i said no.
He
asked me why and I lied.
I couldn’t tell him that I’m suffering with panic attacks and that I’ve reached such a low point,that I just can’t meet almost
strangers in a cinema or restaurant, because i would lose my shit and make a
scene and I would scare him of.
I could see
it in his face, that he tried not to look hurt or angry, because I just said
no without any good explanaition.
I know, I don’t owe him anything,but I liked
him aswell and I really wanted to go out with him...
just without the going out
part.
At the same time I didn’t want to invite him to my house, we just met
and no, I’m not scared, but yes, I feel like it’s common sense not to invite
strangers to your bedroom, when you're not into that kinda thing.
Long story
short, we exchanged numbers and I searched for a believable excuse, something like that I 'm afraid of meeting a stranger and
that I wanted to first get to know him a bit more, just to get some time and
he replied, that he wasn’t such a fan of this idea, because he would rather get
to know me face to face and see if the chemistry works, than via text.
I get
that, I totally understand that.
But I was
too scared to tell him the truth, that I wanted this, too, but that I just
couldn’t do it right now or any time soon.
I didn’t want him to judge me based
on my mental illness, I didn’t want to be that crazy girl, I just wanted to
meet someone without the panic disorder between us.
Depression is so much easier to hide, it's not less scary or exhausting to live with, but it is a quiet agony. It numbs and makes me stop caring. Panic makes me care way too much and makes everything louder.
Depression is so much easier to hide, it's not less scary or exhausting to live with, but it is a quiet agony. It numbs and makes me stop caring. Panic makes me care way too much and makes everything louder.
He wasn’t
angry and he didn’t just left, he was kind and nodded and asked me if I was also
scared of other things and in general an anxious person.
And this
hit home.
I wanted to answer with "no", with a very clear, loud "no", because I
wasn’t -
I have never been a fearful person, I would have always describes myself as brave and adventurous.
I have never been a fearful person, I would have always describes myself as brave and adventurous.
But then I looked at myself and the last 4 years from a
different perspective: barely making it to school, all the therapies and meds, leaving uni, coming back home, missing appointments and cancelling dates with friends - because I was so scared...or better said: ill.
Maybe I am wrong.
Maybe I’m a coward, maybe I’m the biggest coward that there is.
But does it
count, that I’m just afraid of things, because I have an anxiety disorder?
How do I
know what’s me and what’s the illness?
Or is the illness, after all this years, finally such a big part of me, that it doesn't even matter, if Lilian is calm and lion-hearted, when Panic!Lilian – who is out 23 hours a day - isn’t?
How do you even messure braveness or fear?
Is it braver to stand up for yourself, to admit defeat, to know your limits, to push yourself to go to the supermarket or is it brave to climb a mountain and to travel the world even if you're not scared of heights or the unknown?
Am I even braver, because I deal with my fear every waking hour and don’t let it kill me?
Or am I a bigger coward, because I’m not scared of anything in particular, but of fear
itself?
Is panic all that I’m made of?
Is there nothing left of ‘me’ anymore?
Or is this
me and everything I pictured in my mind was just wishful thinking?
Which part of my is who i really am,which is the diseased part that i need to cut off, which part is who i aspire to be, will i ever be 'okay', and is there any part of me, that isn't sick yet?
Am i more than an illness?
Could i be someone without it?
Will i ever be more than that?
a fearless coward
i'm not afraid of planes or heights or traveling.
i'm not afraid of spiders or bugs.
i'm not afraid of people,
of breaking up or falling in love,
i'm not afraid of commiting to something
or leaving someone behind,
i'm not afraid of pain or hard times,
i'm not afraid of rejection or failure,
i'm not afraid of change
and death doesn't scare me.
i'm afraid of terrorising agony,
i'm afraid of endless suffering
and pain without a reason.
i'm afraid of giving in and being given up,
i'm afraid of getting lost
and never being able to find home again,
i'm afraid of waiting too long
and being too impatient to get where i belong.
i'm afraid of losing myself,
of getting controlled by something uncontrollable,
i'm afraid of insanity and illusions,
i'm afraid of being bored
and never interested in anything,
i'm afraid of never being able to love someone
and i'm afraid of never being loveable enough
to make people stay and put up with my flaws.
i'm afraid of being not smooth enough,
with too many sharp edges,
i'm afraid of being too plain to care about
and too outworn to be reread or ever rewritten.
i'm afraid of darkness without light and drowing.
i'm afraid of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, of losing faith in myself, trust in other people
and hope in general.
i'm afraid of always falling, but never crashing,
i'm afraid of crashing without dying,
i'm afraid of dying without having lived
the toaster-thoughts
In my bedroom hangs a lot of stuff, but one picture hangs right above my bed, which has always been very important to me:
It says 'if you want a guarantee, buy a toaster' by Clint Eastwood.
This quote has been a running gag in my family for years now, because i'm really in the need of a "toaster".
Doesn't make sense? Let me explain:
I'm one of those people who want everything to work out exactly like planned. I'm not spontanous, not easy-going, i don't adjust well to a new situation.
A promise means nothing to me, i need proof.
I'll do things rather myself instead of letting them be done by someone else, because i know i can to it better and faster. I don't trust people and I need a guarantee for everything.
Like you can imagine, i get disappointed a lot.
Almost nothing every works out like i thought it would.
Life is unpredictable.
Now, the thing about promises and quarantees is, they bring hope.
Not only hope, but they bring out faith and motivation in people. if i know what waits for me at the end of the journey, i'm more likely to do it.
If i'm promised a certain result, i'll find a way to make it through.
I can motivate myself enough and find this little bit of faith in me, that i need to stay strong and positiv, if i only know, that it will be worth it.
And that's the problem.
This little word with the 4 letters, not love but hope, is everything a human being needs to survive.
Not everything, okay, but apart from oxygen and water it's the most important thing.
You can be loved and popular and famous and rich and intelligent and beautiful and funny, without hope you're nothing.
Hope gets you through stuff, keeps you going - hope is the strongest force in this universe.
Love is nothing without hope.
You fall in love because you hope for a great relationship, you work through crisis in a relationship, because you hope for your happy ending, you keep waking up every morning, because you hope that things get better.
Hope is everything.
Hope is what keeps you alive during depression, hope makes you eat even though you want to starve yourself, hope gives cancer patient the strength they need to keep breathing.
Hope is a warm and fuzzy feeling, hope feels like fresh from a toaster.
Hope is not a guarantee but it is enough to hold onto life.
It is true, you don't have a guarantee in life and you are not entitled to get or deserve anything.
All you can do is have faith in yourself and maybe god and that can give you the power to start doing things to reach your destination and even if you don't make it, hope lets you find another way and other oportunities.
I wish i could buy hope like a toaster.
Dear You
Dear
You,
This is it - you've made it.
This is your birthday, the day you have waited for 365 days - well not
exactly.
You've waited for the magic-day when everything would change,
when everything would feel right and you'd be ready.
This day didn't really happen.
You always hoped this year would be different.
You always believed the next year would be better,
you would wake up and realize what you wanted from life
and everything would happen the way you dreamed it.
You hoped you would finally be good enough for everyone else,
most importantly for yourself.
Dear you,
You did great.
You’re one year older,
you made it through another year
and look how much (you) changed.
There may be no prince or princess charming,
but who cares,
you got an army of knights in shining armour,
great people in your life, that try to do anything for you to make you
happy.
And you are a queen,
you don't need another person by your side to rule over your kingdom.
Dear You,
You are still young and figuring stuff out,
you’re confused and scared and angry
and this is exactly what you are supposed to be.
No one is born perfect or becomes a perfect human being in the first 18
years.
Some people never really figure it out, but that’s okay.
It’s fine.
You’ll be fine.
Give yourself time.
I’m glad you made it to this point in your life.
And you will make it so much further.
Dear You,
Please read this and know that I like you very much,
not in any weird or sexual way,
in a i-want-you-to-be-happy-and-warm-and-safe-kinda-way
and I did this
- not to copy your work or because I’m too lazy to think of new
blog posts -
but because growing up is scary
and I don’t know how you are or how your life has been,
but I know that it’s all just too much sometimes and overwhelming
and this is your reminder that it will be okay anyway.
Dear everyone out there,
I (re)wrote this for someone special
and hopfully without getting trouble with copyright issues,
i want to use her words right now:
“No matter what happens.
You are extraordinary and no one has the right to bring you down.”
Sincerely,
Me
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)
No comments :
Post a Comment