Dinner at Tiffany's
I’m hungry and I want to get some dinner after I laid in my bed for hours,
i cried and cursed the whole day through
because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.
This won’t even be poetry so fuck the rhymes,
I can’t even write -
I’m so stupid.
No actually, people keep telling me that i'm intelligent,
but obviously not clever enough to do something right.
I know I’m stupid because I thought it would be different this time.
And nothing is more stupid than running in circles forever.
We talk for hours,
or maybe you just repeat worn-out phrases, while I picture my world around you,
how I would fit in it, how I could change myself and everything around me,
to wrap my life around your body like a warming blanket.
They say, we have nothing in common
and all I can think about is this song,
and too often I feel like Holly, lost and lonely, trying to escape my past life.
and all i have is this strange, orange cat, and a head full of dreams and hopes.
and all i have is this strange, orange cat, and a head full of dreams and hopes.
Things that i think i deserve and need to be happy,
things that you won't provide for me.
i want to have breakfast at tiffany’s, but you just don’t care.
things that you won't provide for me.
i want to have breakfast at tiffany’s, but you just don’t care.
i have had the blues, but now i'm with the mean reds and that's even worse.
Sorry my soul is just a deep blue something, like my eyes,
i know they are not pretty enough,
sorry my brain cells are just full of useless stuff and unbalanced chemicals,
sorry i don't speak your language and sorry for using mine now.
I thought I was one of those people who knew you
and I felt like you wanted to get to know me,too,
but after all these months it always feels like it's almost over and i just can't deal with this instability.
I was dropping hints like bricks, but all they did was silently land on my foot and hurt me.
I don't want to go to university by day and into stranger's bedrooms by night,
but i feel so hollow on the inside
and knowledge on it's own just isn't enough to keep me warm at night.
but i feel so hollow on the inside
and knowledge on it's own just isn't enough to keep me warm at night.
I’ll do the same thing over and over again,
because I go lightly
and it seems like I enjoy the pain
as long as it means that I could stay by your side,
even though you never look at me like Paul looked at Holly.
I’ll wait for you, until you finish your homework,
or come back from work,
until you lived your life and are old and settled down
and there's finally a small place for me
or come back from work,
until you lived your life and are old and settled down
and there's finally a small place for me
and I’ll wait for you, until we both turn to dust …
…and the vacuum cleaner get us -
because fuck cheesy metaphors, I don’t want to wait forever,
not even a small eternity, because i want to live right now,
and not in 10 years.
not even a small eternity, because i want to live right now,
and not in 10 years.
I knew life wasn’t a romantic comedy, but at least I tried
and you’re just a dream maker, a heart breaker,
I thought we were after the same rainbow’s end, but once again I’ll eat my dinner alone.
Now i'm here
It’s been over two years and 4 months since I wrote this blogpost.
It didn’t feel like that much time at all.
I still feel the same as before, but different at the same time. It’s so hard to explain.
So much happened in those months, but I still feel like I was sitting in the emergency room just yesterday.
I still feel the same as before, but different at the same time. It’s so hard to explain.
So much happened in those months, but I still feel like I was sitting in the emergency room just yesterday.
I know what everyone expects me to say:
I feel so much better. and i honestly do.
I feel so much better. and i honestly do.
I'm doing things. i'm doing almost everything that i want to do.
It's still painful and stressful and much more effort than I want it to be.
But that's just how it is for me. That is part of the game.
But that's just how it is for me. That is part of the game.
and by now i know how to play it.
I’m still not healed. I never will be, i accepted that.
I dared to open up to my therpist, family and friends.
I will no longer hide the ugly old wounds under bad jokes.
I will no longer hide the ugly old wounds under bad jokes.
I mean, i still do that, but i try to do it less. I'm no longer ashamed of my past, my present, my needs and feelings.
They are valid. And even though i still can feel myself agreeing with someone who says ‘ you’re not good enough’, i learned to say out loud: 'no, you're wrong.'
I remember the smell of blood and I swear I can feel it running down my arms again, but i haven't seen it in months.
They are valid. And even though i still can feel myself agreeing with someone who says ‘ you’re not good enough’, i learned to say out loud: 'no, you're wrong.'
I remember the smell of blood and I swear I can feel it running down my arms again, but i haven't seen it in months.
I’m no longer scared.
I know what it feels like to be with people that i can't stand, to be on my own, to be left behind.
And i know that i can survive all of that.
I’m still afraid of walking into the kitchen at 2am and opening the fridge and then closing i and sliding down to the floor and just suffering from existing with this ungraspable fear and loneliness inside of me, but fear is not the enemy.
I learned, that other people are unable to do many things as well. That they have their problems and disabilities.
And in comparison to most of them, i'm so much more lucky and experienced.
I'm now able to point at myself and say:
I know what it feels like to be with people that i can't stand, to be on my own, to be left behind.
And i know that i can survive all of that.
I’m still afraid of walking into the kitchen at 2am and opening the fridge and then closing i and sliding down to the floor and just suffering from existing with this ungraspable fear and loneliness inside of me, but fear is not the enemy.
I learned, that other people are unable to do many things as well. That they have their problems and disabilities.
And in comparison to most of them, i'm so much more lucky and experienced.
I'm now able to point at myself and say:
'Sorry I seem to be a bit messed up, I’ve got this illness and i'm struggling a little bit right now, excuse my shaky hands and my teary eyes.'
And they understand and nod and take my hand or they don't and then i don't need them in my life anyway.
And they understand and nod and take my hand or they don't and then i don't need them in my life anyway.
I'm trying to remember my past, I remember my 14-year-old-self sitting on the bathroom floor in school and crying,
my 15-year-old-self laying in an empty class room and almost dying,
my 16-year-old-self drowning in self-hatred and rejection.
My 17-year-old-self accepting things and just getting numb and more quiet.
My 18-year-old-self talking to strangers and looking for love in dark alleys,
my 19-year-old-self becoming angry and arrogant,
my 20-year-old-self shutting down again, worse than ever.
My 21-year-old getting better, risking more, making descisions.
My 22-year-old, better than ever.
my 20-year-old-self shutting down again, worse than ever.
My 21-year-old getting better, risking more, making descisions.
My 22-year-old, better than ever.
Yes, it's still so pointless. But life itself is just pointless.
So why not having fun while suffering?
So why not having fun while suffering?
Earth is still a shitty place and most people are crazy in any way. like not the good crazy. The weird and dangerous crazy.
But i'm planning on changing that. Of course i can't change everything, but i want to make this planet a better place to live on, and the people happier and healthier.
I'm not waiting anymore.
Here I am now. And I’ll carry on with life,
I’ll talk to you in a few months.
GESUCHT
es ist sonntagabend, 00:16 Uhr,
ich liege im bett, hab mich mit dem typen, den ich gerade date, gestritten, der job war doof heute, studium ist anstrengend und die katze hat gerade ins klo gekackt und alles müffelt.
ich bin unglücklich, und weiß nicht ob das eine aufgekommende depressive phase ist, das bedürfnis nach einem neuen haarschnitt, oder die erkenntnis, dass das leben sinnlos ist.
vermutlich alles so ein bisschen.
oder aber...
die erkenntnis, dass mir eins im leben fehlt.
nicht die große liebe, der durchbruch im job, der totale durchblick im studium oder die perfekte frisur.
sondern einfach eine freundin.
nicht dass ich schon welche hätte, aber ihr kennt das, man sieht sich zu selten, lebt sich auseinander, irgendwie ist es einfach nicht mehr diese bilderbuch-freundschaft, über die man früher gelesen hat oder die man ständig in serien sieht.
ich suche einen hafen zum ankommen, einen fels in der brandung, naja, oder jemand fürs platonische netflix und chill.
das ist so ungefähr die anzeige, die ich schreiben würde.
ich suche einen menschen, der mit mir befreundet sein möchte, das leben teilen, ohne drama, sex und andere probleme, jemand, mit dem man reden kann, über alles und nichts, dinge unternehmen kann und der für regelmäßigen kontakt auch tatsächlich zur verfügung steht.
klingt erbärmlich? ist auch so. das leben ist hart, wenn man klein und einsam ist, umgeben von bekannten und freunden, aber so der beste mensch ist trotzdem nicht dabei.
was ich biete?
drama - emotionales, beziehungstechnisches, existentielles.
aber auch mitgefühl, fürsorge, psychologisches grundwissen, toleranz, ausdauer und dedication.
außerdem jederzeit penis-witze und schlechte sexuelle anspielungen.
bewerbungen werden ab jetzt angenommen.
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