Now i'm here
It’s been over two years and 4 months since I wrote this blogpost.
It didn’t feel like that much time at all.
I still feel the same as before, but different at the same time. It’s so hard to explain.
So much happened in those months, but I still feel like I was sitting in the emergency room just yesterday.
I still feel the same as before, but different at the same time. It’s so hard to explain.
So much happened in those months, but I still feel like I was sitting in the emergency room just yesterday.
I know what everyone expects me to say:
I feel so much better. and i honestly do.
I feel so much better. and i honestly do.
I'm doing things. i'm doing almost everything that i want to do.
It's still painful and stressful and much more effort than I want it to be.
But that's just how it is for me. That is part of the game.
But that's just how it is for me. That is part of the game.
and by now i know how to play it.
I’m still not healed. I never will be, i accepted that.
I dared to open up to my therpist, family and friends.
I will no longer hide the ugly old wounds under bad jokes.
I will no longer hide the ugly old wounds under bad jokes.
I mean, i still do that, but i try to do it less. I'm no longer ashamed of my past, my present, my needs and feelings.
They are valid. And even though i still can feel myself agreeing with someone who says ‘ you’re not good enough’, i learned to say out loud: 'no, you're wrong.'
I remember the smell of blood and I swear I can feel it running down my arms again, but i haven't seen it in months.
They are valid. And even though i still can feel myself agreeing with someone who says ‘ you’re not good enough’, i learned to say out loud: 'no, you're wrong.'
I remember the smell of blood and I swear I can feel it running down my arms again, but i haven't seen it in months.
I’m no longer scared.
I know what it feels like to be with people that i can't stand, to be on my own, to be left behind.
And i know that i can survive all of that.
I’m still afraid of walking into the kitchen at 2am and opening the fridge and then closing i and sliding down to the floor and just suffering from existing with this ungraspable fear and loneliness inside of me, but fear is not the enemy.
I learned, that other people are unable to do many things as well. That they have their problems and disabilities.
And in comparison to most of them, i'm so much more lucky and experienced.
I'm now able to point at myself and say:
I know what it feels like to be with people that i can't stand, to be on my own, to be left behind.
And i know that i can survive all of that.
I’m still afraid of walking into the kitchen at 2am and opening the fridge and then closing i and sliding down to the floor and just suffering from existing with this ungraspable fear and loneliness inside of me, but fear is not the enemy.
I learned, that other people are unable to do many things as well. That they have their problems and disabilities.
And in comparison to most of them, i'm so much more lucky and experienced.
I'm now able to point at myself and say:
'Sorry I seem to be a bit messed up, I’ve got this illness and i'm struggling a little bit right now, excuse my shaky hands and my teary eyes.'
And they understand and nod and take my hand or they don't and then i don't need them in my life anyway.
And they understand and nod and take my hand or they don't and then i don't need them in my life anyway.
I'm trying to remember my past, I remember my 14-year-old-self sitting on the bathroom floor in school and crying,
my 15-year-old-self laying in an empty class room and almost dying,
my 16-year-old-self drowning in self-hatred and rejection.
My 17-year-old-self accepting things and just getting numb and more quiet.
My 18-year-old-self talking to strangers and looking for love in dark alleys,
my 19-year-old-self becoming angry and arrogant,
my 20-year-old-self shutting down again, worse than ever.
My 21-year-old getting better, risking more, making descisions.
My 22-year-old, better than ever.
my 20-year-old-self shutting down again, worse than ever.
My 21-year-old getting better, risking more, making descisions.
My 22-year-old, better than ever.
Yes, it's still so pointless. But life itself is just pointless.
So why not having fun while suffering?
So why not having fun while suffering?
Earth is still a shitty place and most people are crazy in any way. like not the good crazy. The weird and dangerous crazy.
But i'm planning on changing that. Of course i can't change everything, but i want to make this planet a better place to live on, and the people happier and healthier.
I'm not waiting anymore.
Here I am now. And I’ll carry on with life,
I’ll talk to you in a few months.
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