i can and i will

The thing about depression - A short summary of basically every chronic mental illness

The thing about depression is, that it’s always there.
So at some point you stop noticing it, you kind of accept it, because this subtle, numb feeling, that represses every other emotion, never leaves, so you stop remembering how it was before, how life might be for others, the “normal”  people.
The metaphor of ‚the fog‘ seems so overused, it’s more like a pair of glasses that don’t match your eyesight. The change of your eyesight seems gradually and at one moment you may feel like something’s wrong, but you don’t really get what and you blame it on the weather or  that you’re tired, you never realise that you might need glasses or that you’re wearing the wrong glasses, until someone points it out and tells you, how it might be with the right pair.

If you suffer from it for years, it starts to feel strangely comforting, it’s a place you can always come back to, where everything stops mattering, because nothing makes sense and being alive becomes pointless – sometimes that’s quite calming.
On the other hand, it stops feeling good, when you realize, you can’t break out of it.
Some people enjoy sadness, because it’s temporary, it’s a short term of time, where you can bawl your eyes out and hide under the blanket and listen to sad music, until you feel better and start being happy again.

Depression is different, you always have to come back to it, because it’s always there and it gets harder to snap out of it as soon as you cross a certain boundary.
It always seems so easy to me, to talk about it, like it’s a choice, like I can control it and like I know exactly where Lili ends and where the illness starts, but the truth is, i have no clue.
Everything I say could be influenced by depression, everyhing that I think is real, might actually not exist - the tricky part is, that you don’t know anymore, what’s normal and what isn’t.
 Am I just sad because he doesn’t love me back, or am I about to jump off a rooftop because the chemicals in my brain aren’t balanced?
Does everyone feel so lonely and does everything hurt so much?
Am I tired and stressed, or is it the depression that makes showering too exhausting and the simple act of eating too much to be asked for?

The thing about depression is, that it’s always there, so you underestimate its power, when it's been gone for a while, in times when it hits you again and you can’t keep fighting.
Rock bottom is such a scary and hopeless place - and the worst thing is, you can never be sure, that that’s really rock bottom.
You don’t have the guarantee, that it can’t get worse. You just know, that it’s now worse than ever and you have to be aware of the fact, that it can easily escalate into death.
Even if you think, that you reached the lowest point and that this is hell on earth, it can still and will become worse -
But it also gets better.

And that’s the last thing about depression, I want to address – it can act like it’s not there anymore.
It hides and you will feel better and you will feel like a fool, because something in your mind almost drowned you again and you will be angry about how you gave it all that power, how you felt it frightening you and sucking you in and you will stand back up and feel strong and with the intention to fight it – only to fall again, a few days later.
Because that’s the thing about depression, it is always there.
But at one point you stop taking it seriously and that’s the biggest mistake.

When he holds my hand and thinks about her- Thoughts on being more in misery than in love

The Joke

I fucking deserve more.
I deserve it all.
I deserve not being a wildcard, just because you’re feeling wild.
I might tell jokes, but I’m not one
I deserve the mornings and not just the nights
I deserve the lunch and the dinner and I’m not just a midnight snack
I deserve fucking heaven on earth and not this hell you put me through
I deserve nothing of this.

or maybe I do
because I’m so fucking trusting, while you were just thrusting
and I opened up to you, way more than I should have -
maybe I deserve the heartbreak, because I didn’t play by your rules-
you told me your secrets and I thought we had something
but all you had was your hand down my pants
while you were looking in someone elses eyes
and all I had was a used condome, but never your heart.

and the worst part of it all – I believed it.
I thought I saw something, something more.
but you’re just a dick, nothing more.
I don’t think you have a brain and I can’t feel your heart.
the worst part is, that I saw the ghost of us and I wasn’t scared
but you were blind.

Please handle with care

I feel like everyone talks about it but at the same time nobody really says anything about it – depression, bipolar, personality disorders, anxiety, it seems like almost everybody has to say something about it, so many people suffer from at least one of the above at some point in their life, especially in their young adult years - but mental illnesses and a social life, how does it work?
One of the major problems is the way I want to deal with it in front of other people.
Can I control it enough to not mention it at all?
Does it make me seem weak, if I tell my friends about it?
Or will it make everything easier, because my behavior will seem more normal, if the people around me would know what’s going on?
Those are very difficult questions, not only regarding your own wishes and boundaries, but you also have to consider the needs of the other human being, will he/she be able to cope with the knowledge and are you really that “close” to address something like that, do you trust that person or maybe it will trigger him/her and make everything uncomfortable?

Especially whilst growing up and then meeting new people at your university or starting relationships with a new boy-/girlfriend, those questions might be popping up in your head, you could introduce yourself as a new person, as someone you would like to be or as the person you are on your good days, or you could go all in and just throw every detail in their faces.
I can’t really recommend the last option.
And although the first option seems to be easy at first, you will be under a lot of pressure, acting like you want to be seen and experience even the fear of not to be loved for who you are, but for who you aspire to be one day.
Everything would be easier, if you could just walk around with a ‘please handle with care’-sign and never had to do any explaining. But that’s not how life works.
Tragically, people always seem to forget, that human beings are complex and if you tell them you suffer from an mental illness, they immediately create a picture of you in their head that might not be identical with the actual you.
Just because you say, that you are depressed, it doesn’t mean you sit at home all day, blankly staring at a wall.
Just because you tell someone, that you’ve been diagnosed with a panic disorder and you have difficulties with certain tasks, it doesn’t mean you can’t go out and have fun.
This concept and your individual problem can be so hard to grasp for people, that it’s understandable, that some patients never want to address it in front of their friends, because they can’t really relate to it and they’ll never know, what the other person has to go through. 

If you're reading this, you either suffer from a mental disorder yourself, have a close friend, who's dealing with one, or I sent you this link without any explanation.
In that case, let me introduce my demons: Panic and Depression. 
Both of them have been with me for almost all my life, i take medication and i've been in therapy for over 5 years.
No, sadly it's not all just in my head, but most of it is, that's why it's called a mental illness,
yes, my brain is "sick", no, i can't snap out of it, but yes i'm doing my best to live with it.
No, depression doesn't mean that i cry all day, yes, uncontrolling panic attacks suck, yes, i'm very open about my problems and i'll carry them around on my sleeve, you just haven't noticed yet and no, you won't have to deal with any of this, if you don't want to.
Hi, nice to meet you.

If you don't know what either of those illnesses are, check out the tags "depression" and "anxiety"/"Panic attacks".


As “the friend” you can only guess and try to listen carefully and maybe to some research on your own, and even that isn’t a guarantee, that you won’t make mistakes, treating the person accidentally wrong, because you underestimate or overestimate the illness or that you might break down yourself and can’t deal with it all.
It’s such a risk and makes every awkward social thing even harder.
So the answer is, I don’t have an answer. I know, I’d be disappointed, too.
Reading all this, without being offered a solution can be very frustrating.
But so is dealing with a mental illness, no matter if you suffer directly from it, or through a friend.
All i can say is, that you have to try what works best for you and remember, self-care always comes first, if your (boy/-girl-)friend doesn’t accept you or can’t be bothered to support you, kick them out of your life and take a chance with another person.

 Someday you’ll find someone who’s able and willing to love you for who you are, every part of you and until then, dare to touch your own butt once in a while.

For The First Time In Forever

I planned this day for two weeks and waited for it for 18 years. I've been dealing with anxiety my entire life, so two hours on a train and two hours in a big city always seemed impossible. Until now. Accompanied by my therapist and two of my closest friends, who would all stay in another compartment, I got on the train and totally touched the butt. I didn't even just touch the butt, I became the butt. The nervousness didn't feel like anxiety at all, it felt more like excitement. Excitement to finally going to be able to do the stuff I want to do, to being able to say yes to things that scare the living daylight out of me and on top of it all, excitement to finally declare war on my anxiety. I'm not saying it was easy- the week before was horrid, I wasn't able to eat, sleep and relax at all, but as soon as I found a vacant seat, it felt like the most normal thing to do. Listening to the Frozen-Soundtrack, smiling the entire time (the people must've thought I am completely crazy), I started thinking. I always thought of myself as Elsa, isolating myself, being a prisoner of my own fears, but lately I've started discovering my inner Anna. And I love it. The pure excitement of going outside, meeting new people and 'dancing through the night' has always been a part of me, I just never found the strength to do it despite the anxious feeling. Maybe there is an Elsa in all of us, but it's our own decision if we let her control us or if we're going to fight her. And I think that, after 18 years of being Elsa, I finally deserve to learn how to be Anna. I forgot how to live and now it's my turn to remind myself of all the beautiful things I would keep missing out on if I don't internalise why so many people are in love with life. It's not going to be easy, it never was, but I'm getting there. 
Dear Anxiety, I hope you're scared of me.
You really should be.