For The First Time In Forever
I planned this day for two weeks and waited for it for 18 years. I've been dealing with anxiety my entire life, so two hours on a train and two hours in a big city always seemed impossible. Until now. Accompanied by my therapist and two of my closest friends, who would all stay in another compartment, I got on the train and totally touched the butt. I didn't even just touch the butt, I became the butt. The nervousness didn't feel like anxiety at all, it felt more like excitement. Excitement to finally going to be able to do the stuff I want to do, to being able to say yes to things that scare the living daylight out of me and on top of it all, excitement to finally declare war on my anxiety. I'm not saying it was easy- the week before was horrid, I wasn't able to eat, sleep and relax at all, but as soon as I found a vacant seat, it felt like the most normal thing to do. Listening to the Frozen-Soundtrack, smiling the entire time (the people must've thought I am completely crazy), I started thinking. I always thought of myself as Elsa, isolating myself, being a prisoner of my own fears, but lately I've started discovering my inner Anna. And I love it. The pure excitement of going outside, meeting new people and 'dancing through the night' has always been a part of me, I just never found the strength to do it despite the anxious feeling. Maybe there is an Elsa in all of us, but it's our own decision if we let her control us or if we're going to fight her. And I think that, after 18 years of being Elsa, I finally deserve to learn how to be Anna. I forgot how to live and now it's my turn to remind myself of all the beautiful things I would keep missing out on if I don't internalise why so many people are in love with life. It's not going to be easy, it never was, but I'm getting there.
Dear Anxiety, I hope you're scared of me.
You really should be.
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