The online dating experience - Part 2

Lili 10:41 AM , , , , No comments



We’re all longing for something, but nobody seems to be able to give it to us. 
No matter if it’s sex, intimacy, someone to just listen to us, someone to love, someone who will accept us, someone who shares our interests – it’s never enough or it's too much or the wrong person, the wrong time, or just not quite right.

I'm single.
I’m also intelligent, i know i'm talented in one way or another, funny as hell and fuck it, I can be charming and sweet if I want to, aswell.
I might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I know that I’m pretty in certain angles and lighting and my figure is about average.
I’m not very insecure anymore, I’m getting more and more comfortable with my own body, I’ve been in therapy for 5 years now and my meds are working, so  I’m not a trainwreck or a ticking timebomb anymore, I haven’t quit studying (yet), I have a few hobbies that I could talk hours about, I know what I want in life and kinda how to get it, and all in all I think that I could be quite a catch.
But the thing is, to have a relationship, an affair or even just a one-night-stand, you need at least two people. And that’s where the problem starts.

My biggest problem are not the rejections, or the uncomfortable first meetings, forever waiting if (s)he writes back, the sound of my phone that's starting to sound a lot like crushing hearts, hopes and dreams, the time and thoughts you invest in someone and then you realize that you actually don't have anything in common, the fact that even when you're two sides of the same coin you have no guarantee that it will work out, the sudden break-ups with just one ‘pling’ of my phone, the short-term-things and how fast everyone moves on, how nobody’s willing or able to concentrate on just one person, how we’re afraid of trusting someone, how we don't give us time to get to know them, how we give up before we even tried - i got used to all of that and being honest, i'm not better or even different than all those people out there. 

My problem is, that I don’t know what my problem is and that’s what really freaks me out.
I know that there’s a lot wrong with me, or at least not quite right, I know that I’m not always happy and adventurous, I know that I’m made of more darkness than light, I know that I enjoy twisted humour and horror movies too much, I haven’t seen much of the world or read all the classic books and don’t have the biggest boobs or the cutest nose or long beautiful hair or big eyes or perfect teeth or… well, I could continue doing this and list everything that sucks about me,but that won’t get me or you anywhere.
The thing is, i keep getting reminded of my flaws and i'm so much more aware of them since i started using dating apps.

Dating apps were supposed to make me feel good about myself, I should be happy, putting myself out there, meeting nice, interesting people - and not sitting on the bathroom floor, shaving my legs, because I read that someone hates hairy legs on women or standing in front of the mirror and thinking about how long I could go without eating, if I spent my money on cosmetic surgery instead.
You’re not supposed to anxiously stare on your phone and ask yourself if he likes you or not, you should not question your worth, just because a stranger from the internet didn’t respond to your “hey, how are you? :) ”

Self-confidence is not how many matches you have on tinder, how often you get laid or how many hearts you broke last week.
Happiness is not seeing a different guy every night, jumping from relationship to relationship and being proud of yourself for not writing her again, even though you fantasized about her for 2 weeks straight now.

 Love,kissing, sex, orgasms - It's just chemical stuff happening in your brain, it's not magical, it's just hormones.
And actually it's not that important, we need water, food, oxygen, money maybe, but not actually human touch and love to survive. Or do we?

I think we all are secretly hoping to suddenly match that one person, who is – without a doubt – our perfect match and you’ll talk shortly and then meet in person and fall madly in love and everything's perfect and all your friends are jealous.
We are all secretly hoping, that we get the acknowledgement that we think we deserve, we want respect and compliments and inspiring conversations and beautiful people and talked-through nights and sweet kisses and passionate sex and a happy ending.
We are all secretly hoping that an algorithm will save us from loneliness, spare us from the hard and time-consuming work that is dating, from going out and kissing frogs until we find a prince. The process of dating, the getting to know someone and all the first times  have become a necessary evil,we're tired of asking the same questions over and over again, of small talk and the scary unknown, we want to skip all of that and get right to the good bit.
While we’re installing the app, we’re all hoping for the day we can delete it again.

Everything's about finding someone else's holes where we could put our genitals in or hands we could pour our soul into.
But there should be so much more.

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