superficial bitch
i wish i would invest the hours that i spent with googling beauty doctors in learning to fix my soul, rather than my face.
i wish i could invest the days i spent laying in bed and feeling as shitty as i look, reading books and finding out more about the world instead of more imperfections on my body.
Instead of opening parcels with new clothes, i should open up my mind.
i spent way too much time trying to impress men, that are not even worth my attention.
i don't understand why i'm searching for recognition in strangers, longing after being wanted by fuckboys, in being objectived and loved for just a few minutes.
i dont know why, because afterwards all i do is shower for hours, trying to get their poisen out of my system.
i'm scared of grwoing older and of wrinkles and bigger eyebags and not being whistled at by creepy men.
and i'm aware that i'm stupid for being more afraid of being rejected than of being molested and killed.
i'm naive for thinking that i would be happier if i was just pretty - as if the darkness in my heart and all my worries would disappear and the cloud over my head would lighten up, if my hair was blond, my teeth less yellow and my eyes brighter.
i wish i could dye my thoughts like i dye my hair.
i wish i would be happy with being full of food, instead i'm fed up with my own needs.
i should be happy for not starving like so many people are, instead i wish i could just rip off my fat and feel my bones again.
imagine i didn't have to hide all my mirrors behind black scarfs like i hide my selfhatred behind arrogance.
i guess not supposed to mourn the lost of my self-confidence, when sectretly i'd celebrate my own death.
i tell myself to be more grateful and less demanding, i want to force myself to be happy with what i got, with the genes my parents gave me, but i find myself too often desiring to shrink my nose and grow my boobs, and even then i would find new things to hate.
i need to replace my insecurity with determination and my self-loathing with self-loving but i could as well scream into the void, it would have the same effect.
i should demand respect and love from myself, but that's impossible if i dont know how i feels to be appreciated by other people. and it's a lot to ask someone to be with you, i you can't even stand yourself.
i try to spent more time being happy and less time being fat and self-critical, but that's hard when chocolate is the only thing that's there for me at 3 am.
But sugar doesn't fill the hole, neither do dicks.
People tell me that my selfworth should be determined by my actions and words and not my weight or the length of my hair, but i'm being more judged by my bad looks than my good intentions.
i know that my body is not as much of a problem as my brain, but i feel like i'd be much happier with out both of them.
instead of being a superficial bitch i should just be a strong bitch, a woman that doesn't give a fuck about what people think, a woman whos not afraid of being judged.
i aim to try less to be beautiful and more to be better, to be a good person and not a pretty woman, but i'm succeeding at neither one of them.
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