Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts

superficial bitch

Lili


i wish i would invest the hours that i spent with googling beauty doctors in learning to fix my soul, rather than my face.
i wish i could invest the days i spent laying in bed and feeling as shitty as i look, reading books and finding out more about the world instead of more imperfections on my body.
Instead of opening parcels with new clothes, i should open up my mind.

 i spent way too much time trying to impress men, that are not even worth my attention.
i don't understand why i'm searching for recognition in strangers, longing after being wanted by fuckboys, in being objectived and loved for just a few minutes.
i dont know why, because afterwards all i do is shower for hours, trying to get their poisen out of my system.

 i'm scared of grwoing older and of wrinkles and bigger eyebags and not being whistled at by creepy men.  
and i'm aware that i'm stupid for being more afraid of being rejected than of being molested and killed.

 i'm naive for thinking that i would be happier if i was just pretty - as if the darkness in my heart  and all my worries would disappear and the cloud over my head would lighten up, if my hair was blond, my teeth less yellow and my eyes brighter.
i wish i could dye my thoughts like i dye my hair.

 i wish i would be happy with being full of food, instead i'm fed up with my own needs.
i should be happy for not starving like so many people are, instead i wish i could just rip off my fat and feel my bones again.

 imagine i didn't have to hide all my mirrors behind black scarfs like i hide my selfhatred behind arrogance.
i guess not supposed to mourn the lost of my self-confidence, when sectretly i'd celebrate my own death.

 i tell myself to be more grateful and less demanding, i want to force myself to be happy with what i got, with the genes my parents gave me, but i find myself too often desiring to shrink my nose and grow my boobs, and even then i would find new things to hate.

 i need to replace my insecurity with determination and my self-loathing with self-loving but i could as well scream into the void, it would have the same effect.

 i should demand respect and love from myself, but that's impossible if i dont know how i feels to be appreciated by other people. and it's a lot to ask someone to be with you, i you can't even stand yourself.

 i try to spent more time being happy and less time being fat and self-critical, but that's hard when chocolate is the only thing that's there for me at 3 am.
But sugar doesn't fill the hole, neither do dicks.

 People tell me that my selfworth should be determined by my actions and words and not my weight or the length of my hair, but i'm being more judged by my bad looks than my good intentions.

 i know that my body is not as much of a problem as my brain, but i feel like i'd be much happier with out both of them.
instead of being a superficial bitch i should just be a strong bitch, a woman that doesn't give a fuck about what people think, a woman whos not afraid of being judged.

 i aim to try less to be beautiful  and more to be better, to be a good person and not a pretty woman, but i'm succeeding at neither one of them.

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7:08 PM , ,

still loved

Lili



Im still loved.
I know you stopped loving me, 
or maybe you didnt, 
or maybe you never even loved me in the first place.
But it’s okay, not matter how you felt about me 
or you feel about me now, 
I haven’t changed.
My worth is untouched, 
I’m still loveable, 
no matter how many people love me back 
or leave me forever.
I’m not defined by the people who love me 
or who don’t like me.
I’m defined by who I choose to love, 
who I want to share my life with, 
and oh boy, I loved you lots.
And I shared everything with you, 
trusted you more than anybody else, 
thought we had something special, a connection,
you loved me back, 
you left me anyway.

And that’s okay. 
It has to be okay, 
because if its not, 
nothing else will ever be okay again.
I have to accept, that loving and caring for someone 
means losing them at some point.
You can't keep someone forever, 
nothing is forever,
and everything changes all the time.
It’s rare, that two people 
change the same amount 
in the same time 
and in the same way.

But is it worth it, 
to love, 
if you know that you can only lose?
That there will be no winner in the end, 
just broken hearts and wasted time?
Good memories with a bitter after taste, 
salty tears and the exchange of bad words 
where once trust and hugs ruled?
No matter how and when it ends, 
it will always be worth it.

I refuse to become heartless 
and even more cynical, 
because I keep getting hurt.
I won't let stones weigh me down, 
because I had some bad experiences, 
when I could be flying, 
and having great experiences in the future.
I know that people keep leaving, 
and due to that I’m full of self-doubt and disgust, 
and I can't even be mad at them, 
because we share this hatred for me, 
I can't stand myself either, 
and I would walk away if I could, 
believe me.

So I have no right to blame you for burning bridges.
But we build a beautiful bridge 
and I dare you to find someone 
who carries your soul the way I did.
I’ll suffer now, 
but oh dear, 
you’ll suffer later.
Even though my heart is broken right now, 
I know that I’ll be okay.
I know that I’ll get over it 
and find someone new, 
not to fill the hole that you created, 
but to open up a new one 
so they can leave their very own mark.
I won’t try to replace you, 
I’ll plant flowers on the grave of our friendship 
and they’ll grow into a garden 
that I’ll never visit again.

In the future, I won't deny myself the pleasure of intimacy, 
because I’m scared of loneliness.
I won't stop smiling now, 
just because I know that I will cry later.
I’ll still be open and soft on the inside, 
easy to bend and easier to break, 
because that’s what makes me me 
and I won’t give you the pleasure of changing me, 
making me a different person.
You didn't impress me that much.
And I wont deny new people 
the pleasure in getting to know the original me, 
and not the version that you destroyed and left.

I’ll be great, if you witness it or not.
I’ll be happy without you, 
and sad, not just because of you.
I’m loveable not matter if you’re around or not.
I’m still loved, even though not by you.

And no, I wont just ignore the fact that you're gone, 
I wont just move on and pretend like nothing happened, 
I’ll pause everything, 
fall down on my knees and cry, 
because I’m me, 
because I care and I’m not afraid to still care, 
even though you stopped caring about me.
I’ll be sad and angry and lonely, 
and that’s okay. 
I’ll have all of those feelings 
and I’ll cry a few times about you, 
and that’s okay. 
Because I rather care too much and too long, 
than never at all, 
and I rather still think about you everyday 
with a tear in my eye, 
than to forget everything we had.

I’m not impressed by your lack of emotion and regret, 
I pity you for not being able to feel enough, 
for having to hide and be strong,
because I allow myself to be weak 
and to break down for someone, 
that mattered to me.
I can’t say, if you really don’t care anymore 
or if you’re just scared of getting hurt, 
but look at me, 
I’m not scared, 
I put everything out there for you to see and to judge, 
and it was no mistake, 
because some day someone will come along 
and see the beauty in my faults 
and cherish the things I can give, 
in a way that you obviously couldn’t.

I feel sad for myself, 
because I thought of you as a friend 
and as it turns out, 
you were just a traveler, 
stranded in my life by mistake. 
And I feel sad for you, 
because you missed the opportunity of being my friend, 
of listening to my bad jokes and my bad advice.
well, we all make mistakes and shit happens.
I know I’m far away from being perfect,
but at least I’ve always been loyal, bitch.
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6:20 PM , , , ,

Ship yourself with yourself - Or things to remember in maritime metaphors

Lili

You are the captain of your life,
not your boss, or your father, your husband or your girlfriend, not your therapist.
You make the decisions, and you’ll make great ones.

You are the compass,
you know what’s right for you, you’ll find out what you want
and discover your own way eventually.

You are your own anchor.

You are the only one who can bring you down. 
You can control whether you let life weight you down or make you float.
You decide whether you move on or stay.
You have the choice where you settle down and for how long.

You can leave and move on. 

You hold the peace you crave and the happiness you deserve within.

You are able to calm yourself down and snap out of your nightmare,

come back to reality or stay in your happy place.


You are your lifesaver.
You are the person who’ll fight for you and save you each time again.
You will spend the rest of your life taking care of yourself.
You’ll be okay.


And you know what, you might not be the sea,
but you actually have an influence on the world around you,
you are not a victim of destiny.
You can change your circumstances
as well as you can change your attitude towards them.

No matter what, you’ll be part of the sea,
calm or angry,
deep blue, deep thoughts,
light green, light heart.

You are allowed to be different every day,
to be unpredictable,
you have the right to change.
You are independent and you don't owe anybody shit.


You are powerful, 
you have the abilty to make other ships sink, 
you can even drown yourself, 
but every day you chose to let them swim
and bring them to save haven.
Keep swimming.
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10:55 AM , ,
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