a letter about labels

Lili
© by the author
Hello world.

Disclaimer: I’m using “gay” in this example to make it easier to understand. It is not limited to this sexuality, it can be transferred to everything on the LGBTQAP+ spectrum.

“Why do gay people so often write about their sexuality or wear t-shirts? Why is it so important to them? Why do they keep putting it in Twitter bios or mentioning it online or offline?”
If you have ever said this to anyone you are most likely a straight person. And guess what. The world revolves around you. You are the norm. Heteronormativity means that everyone is heterosexual by default until proven otherwise.
So why do gay people do these things? Why do they take pride in their sexuality even though it is “nothing they can change”?
They do it, because in most of their personal and professional environment they are ignored. Being heterosexual is the norm, the socially acceptable standard. So if you’re gay, you always need to fight for your space. Fight for your voice. Fight for people’s understanding and acceptance of your sexuality.
Do you know how hard it is if almost everyone around you is straight? Gay people need people of their own sexuality to talk to, to share experiences with. Because there are experiences that ONLY gay people have that no straight person could ever understand.
So why do people dedicate a Tumblr blog to their sexuality? Maybe because in almost every other part of their life and as soon as they leave the computer, it’s heterosexuality and nothing else. Their sexuality is important to them because they have to defend it on a daily basis. Because they are laughed at, ridiculed, harassed and much worse.
Why do people write it in their Twitter bios? Maybe because they want to avoid homophobic followers from the start. For many people their online activities are a safe space. So by putting this information out there they are automatically making sure they know whether people accept them or not.
If you have ever said “Sexuality shouldn’t matter” then you’re probably straight. Because to YOU it doesn’t matter because every little thing in society caters your sexuality. For many people it is important to have a label, to have a word that describes how they feel and it is damn important to them. By saying “It shouldn’t matter and we’re all the same” you’re basically supporting the power dynamics of inequality between heterosexuality and other sexualities.
Don’t tell gay people to shut up about their sexuality. Don’t question their pride and don’t silence their voice. Listen and do your best to fight against heteronormativity.

Yours sincerely,

An angry gay woman




_________________________________________________________________________

there will be some blog posts about sexuality, gender (and everything you want to read or write about) in terms of this topics in the following week -
I'll try my best to write something about it, but i'm the jon snow of sexual orientation and gender issues, so please, if you are interested in writing about it or know things the world should know, contact me via facebook or twitter or in the comments and you can give your words a place to be heared and (almost) every opinion will get published \o/
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10:17 AM , , , , ,

about being a sinking ship and an anchor for someone else

Lili
or a text about life savers without any actual ships or mention of the ocean.
with a picture of a laying mug but no spilled tea in the following text.
it's a metaphor.



Times are tough.
i seem to have nothing but bad luck and tragedies and everyone around me is struggling,too.
We are all in so much trouble, busy with our own shit ,  trying to keep our head  up somehow, trying to  function in this society - some of us are able to do that, some of us break down.
It’s hard to suffer and to keep up your relationships, especially if you have different problems and are not able to make it through the same things at the same time.
I thought a lot about this, the past few days and about how friendships or relationships work.
it’s supposed to be the “in good and bad times” but you are not married to any of your friends or partners and even in marriage people leave.
Self-care always comes first and there is always the possibility of people leaving before someone else’s downfall destroys them as well.
Listening to someone and helping them should not be a challenge or uncomfortable. It should come naturally.
You only have a certain amount of energy, especially in hard months and dividing this between yourself and others is not easy. You need to have priorities, spend some time and attention on yourself and some on the most important people in your life.
In healthy friendships, you should get the same amount of attention, love and caring back.
We all know, that there are still those people in your life, who don’t really benefit your mental health, in the sense that they only take but never give. There is always that one person, you’d always listen to for hours without expecting anything in return, because you love them and you worry about them, but actually they are dead weight for you.
And to keep the balance, you have to find someone who’ll listen to whatever you have to say, who catches you when you fall, who takes care of you while you’re taking care of someone else.

It’s never fair.
it should be the same person, there should be someone who takes as much as they give, who doesn’t care who talks more and who needs to listen, someone who loves you and who you love and where everything feels so naturally and comfortable, that you can talk about anything anytime without worrying about who’s turn to rant it is.

Why is it so hard to find that one person?

I can only speak from my experience and oh boy, the trust issues are real.
It’s not just the what-will-they-think-of-me-when-they-know-how-weird-i-am-problem, but also the fear of rejection and the fear that the other person won’t fullfill your expectations.
It’s hard to admit defeat and showing weakness and maybe tears is difficult for some people. Not just the act of opening up, but also responding to someone who shows you their emotional side.

You can say “oh, talk to me anytime, I’ll be there for you” once and it won’t even matter. Of course they say it, everyone says it, but that’s just the theory, reality is different. The chosen person needs so much strengths, patience and empathy but at the same time the ability to keep a distance because I don’t want to be the reason for someone else’s pain.
On the other side, I’m so tired of listening to other people and always saying the same old sentences about how they can do it and how someone else is worth it and I’m so tired of keeping a distance to myself and others.
I don’t know what to say most of the time.
I have no clue how the world works or what’s right or wrong.
But I don’t think that anyone really knows what’s going on.

Aside from advice, the only thing we can give each other is space (for emotions, honesty and break-downs), an open-minded, save environment and enough time.
 I want you to cry in front of me, I want you to break down and scream and tell me what you really think and everything that’s going on.
I need you to trust me and to show me your 3am-nothing-is-fine-at-all-personality because I am afraid to show any part of me to anyone anymore. I feel like I’m a mess and like everything is wrong with me and I need to know that you trust me so that I can maybe start trusting you.
I want to talk about how that escalated again, about how I’m showing too much again about how I literally cry during every episode of grey’s anatomy but am unable to cry about dead relatives and dying hope. 
I feel the need to apologize, about how I always make this about me and too deep and not funny and how I must be viewed as this black hole that swallows all the light and that sucks the life out of everyone who comes near me, but I bottle so much up and I’m not able to talk about it and I feel so alone even though I lost count of how many people talk to me daily and with talking I mean meaningless exchange of pointless puns but no communication.
There will always be people who don’t care, who won’t make time for you, who have different priorities. There will always be people leaving and hurting and bleeding all over someone new.

It’s important to take time for yourself and to make time for others.
Don’t underestimate the time that you spend in your head, you need to sort some things for yourself out first, but don’t overestimate this process, either.
You could spent the time with friends in their heads, even though you might believe that it won’t really help you, trigger you and just stress you out more, sometimes you need to get a new perspective of (your) life through the eyes of a friend, by listening and by talking.
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1:51 PM , ,

it's like the contrary of dying but you still kinda wanna be dead

Lili
What to expect when you’re expecting an anxiety baby 
or how does it feel like to have a panic disorder 
or how I’m trying not to lose my mind right now.


Anxiety itself is a coping mechanism, it’s supposed to save you from unbearable things and deadly situations. It’s a warning system, that tells you when to be careful and when you are save.
But it also can be your biggest enemy and a pain in the ass (let’s talk about that later).

Anxiety and panic disorder are like the contrary of dying. 
While depression keeps your mood and your emotions down, your whole existence becomes silent and ever part of you numb – panic lets you know that you are alive. 
It screams and shakes you up, makes you uneasy, you have the urge to move around and the thoughts are running through your head like you are on drugs. 
You feel everything intensely and all the time.

Throwing up, fainting, hysterical crying, hyperventilating, shaking,sweating, headaches, stomach ache - the worst symptoms basically without any cause.
Are you dying? Ebola? Food poisoning? 
Nope, just scared to death of nothing in particular.

And not just when you are faced with any kind of “””challenge”””” like getting up or showering, doing the groceries or talking to your family – nope, if you’re a pro you can get them at any given moment, even without a trigger!
It’s like an unpleasant surprise party in your body whenever your mind feels like it.

And if you have that for a few years, you get nice sideeffects, like blood in your poo because your digestive system is not able to cope with the”unusual” activity, gastric ulcer or any kind of inflammation in your bowel just because your body is not built to deal with this kind of terror every day over a long period of time.
Don’t even get me started on heart diseases, because your circulation will not approve on your day to day stress levels - which are higher than the stress level of a normal person sitting in an exam or before an operation - you heart has a lot to do: Irregular heart beat, feeling dizzy and (in the worst case) cardiac arrest are possibilities.
Another interesting thing is, no matter how little you eat and drink, you’ll be able to go to the toilette almost every hour, and losing weight becomes really fun, when you can’t keep anything in or down, you feel sick all the time, no matter what you eat and you burn hundreds of calories every time you freak out and panic.

The physical problems aside, you’ll get really fucked up in your head:
Memory is a funny thing, it will keep reminding you of the places and things that make you panicky and it won’t forget how awful it felt like. With time, everything will become a trigger and trying to avoid them will get harder an harder.
Everything in you room reminds you of panic, your bed isn’t a save place anymore but the thing you need to lay down when you feel ill and the floor isn’t just a floor anymore but the ground where you break down on, when everything’s too much.

You start questioning everything. 
Why do I feel so anxious? Is it because i can’t trust my boyfriend any more? Is this weird feeling in my stomach a sign that my friends secretly hate me? Do I even deserve this love? Maybe I need to quit my job or move, maybe something in the air here is poisoning me.
You become paranoid.
And you stop trusting yourself and your body. 
Have I eaten enough? Or have I eaten too much? Should I eat something differents than usual? Maybe I’m lactose intolerant? Maybe I’m allergic to water? 
I might have forgotten how to breathe? 
How do you breathe? 
What is oxygen? 
What are you doing body? 
Why aren’t you able to cope? 
I’ll break down any minute now. 
This is the end. 
I’m gonna die.

Anxiety and Panic attacks will control you. 
You won’t be able to think about anything else anymore, nothing will make you forget of this fear, that overshadows everything.  You will be anxious about being anxious an that will result in even more panic attacks.
You will feel like you are going out of your fucking mind. It will feel like you are going insane, you will be scared of your own thoughts and fear everything your body feels. 
You will believe that you are dying.
But you won’t.

And writing about it wont ease the suffering, but sometimes it makes you think you are forced to experience this for a greater cause: to talk about it, to inform people, it makes you believe that it isn’t as pointless and unnessary as it actually is.




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10:10 AM , , , ,

Rules for girls

Lili
Rule #1



Slut – someone who has a lot of sexual intercourse.

Oh be careful, you don’t wanna look like someone who gets laid a lot – 

What will the people think? 

That you are a desireable, attractive woman who lives her life the way she wants??

And oh my god how do you dare to enjoy sex?!




#Tipoftheday

Remember, a skirt that’s too short says so much about you,
 like that you have no dignity, that you are a prostitute and easy to get 
– or maybe it just says that you got legs and aren’t afraid to be proud of them. 
You show those legs, 
you got great legs, 
they do a perfect job walking you around! 
You go legs!

Rule #2



Well, first of all - how about you shave your nasty attitude?
if you think like this, your penis  most certainly is not for the ladies.

Second of all, how dare you to comment on a women's or just on another human's body, why do you think it's okay to force your rules upon me and my luscious leg hair?
if i want to shave, i will
if i want to be hairless in summer and cosy and fluffy in winter, so it will be.
if i want to keep every single piece of hair on every part of my body where i grew it over the years - then i'll even braid it for you.



Rule #3




Oh I will. 
If he needs head so bad, I will cut of his own head and hand it to him as a present 
- no existence without head.
Or I will use my head, put his penis in my mouth and bite it off, 
make him bleed more than you do in 'that time of the month'




Rule #4
Don’t think about your health, girl.
The most important thing is that you stay attractive. 
You could lay off the drugs because they are bad for your body and for your mental health, because they can ruin your life, your relationships, your future and they are fluffing expensive
 – but don’t think about that, think about how you need to be attractive for a straight male, 
and how that’s your only purpose in life.

#ProTip
Maybe he's into drugs and thinks that smoking looks hot, 
in that case buy all seasons of "Breaking Bad" and start doing meth asap.



Rule #5


Same here. 
Being attractive is rule number one no matter what. 
You little shithead are not fucking allowed to use curse words 
because that makes you damn unappealing for guys 
and you really need to appear like you give a fuck about those assholes. 
#justsaying

Rule #6

Don’t show your feelings, 
don’t treat him with respect 
and remember to hide your fondness of him. 
Be mean to him, act like you don’t care about him, hurt him.
The best thing would be if you could just ignore him and then one day 
surprisingly kill his best friend, kidnap his pet and destroy his car. 
Just that, without any explanation. 
They like it the hard way, don’t they?



Rule #7



Recent studies show – if you poop, you got an ass. 
In conclusion - you are all allowed to wear leggings! 


#PersonalTip

My own studies show: most of the men and women out there have a butt. 
A great butt. 
But that could just be me, I like butts.

Free the butt and dare to touch it, as long as they're consent!







Rule #8



Don’t you dare to speak up 
or to open your mouth 
or to use your brain 
or to be a human being with a free will. 
Don’t talk to guys when they don’t talk to you first. 
Don’t be polite or friendly, ignore your male friends unless they talk to you first. 
Imagine what a quite place this world could be.



Rule #9


A girl should never know something a guy doesn’t and a guy should never seek help. 
A guy is not allowed to not care about cars 
and a girl is supposed stare at a flat tire blankly 
until a knight in shining armour comes and rescues her. 
She doesn’t know what a tire is.
He doesn’t know what a tire is.

Nobody knows how to change a tire, nobody knows what a car is

- we just time traveled.

It’s the year 1465 and we don’t have cars yet, 
but gender stereotypes still exist.






Rule #10



Open books about legs, 
open your legs and close books, 
close your legs and write a book about blowing guys, 
blow up their legs and open guys, look at their insides and sell their organs, 
open books with your legs while blowing minds with your skills of blowing guys.



Rule #11



 That’s right, nobody likes cute people or cute puppies, 
look at him like you want to murder his family, 
act like you are a serial killer.
that will turn him on…or scare him off, 
but either way he’ll remember you.



Rule #12


 That’s right, charge him for just looking at you, 
take his money for talking to you 
and make him pay if he ever comes near  you.





_________________________________________________________________________

My secret tip of the day, month, year, lifetime:


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8:10 AM , , ,

love and hate

Lili


Stay

Sometimes i just wanna leave my bed
and open the window and scream from the top of my lungs:
 I STILL LOVE YOU

But then I remember that I can’t.

Sometimes I just wanna open my door
and whisper with the tip of my tounge: 
I tried to get better for you.

Most of the time I lay in bed and stay there
 and stay
     and stay….
              stay…..
like you didn’t.



I’d break every bone in my right hand myself,
if that could keep me from writing about you

I’ll never be able to stop writing these letters to no one,
the unspectacular tales of 
 human beings that don’t matter in the big cosmos of things, 
but that strangely matter so much to me.

I’m getting tired of not feeling better, 
I’m getting tired of writing about you again and again, 
like you are still in my throat, 
I can still taste you and I just can’t get rid of you, 
no matter how long or how often I talk about you.

I want to strangle myself
 so that no more words about you will leave my mouth, 
but I guess I’d even waste my last breath 
on whispering your name.



I really like you, but fuck you anyways

I want to know how your hair smells when I nestle my face into your neck, 
but I want to break it, too.
I can’t stop thinking about you, 
and all the ways I could make you bleed.
I imagine myself taking care of you, stitching you together 
and then ripping off your skin and cutting you wide open again.

I want you to know what my heart sounds like at 4am, 
but I want you to crush it between your fingers, too.
I can’t stop thinking about you thinking about me 
and how I poisen your brain.
I imagine you calming me down, fixing me 
and then biting into my flesh and breaking everything inside of me.

You really like me, but fuck me anyways.

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11:23 AM , ,

things i can, things i can't

Lili


Disclaimer: like always, i wasn't sure if i really want to post this. 
while writing this, i'm thinking: girl, get a diary, nobody cares!
and maybe i should.
maybe you don't want to know what i'm feeling, 
maybe you have better things to do than reading my unfiltered thoughts
 and you probably don't give a fluff about the personal crisis of a strange 20-years-old girl on the internet.
i'm just gonna ignore that and do it anyway, because i feel like i need to explain some things and i feel like i have to tell some people out there, who i really, really like, that they are important to me and maybe i just need to get it out of my head. 
it's hard to keep the balance between writing about stuff that's close to my heart and at the same time keeping it as unspecific as possible so that i don't give to much of me away, talking about things i've personally experienced and keeping a distance between myself and the reader.
 i want you to enjoy this, be entertained, feel something and then think about it afterwards.
 i dont want you to feel like you just read a diary entry of an troubled girl and i dont want this to be an emotion-less,  informative text.
 i want to tell you something, give you hope and the feeling of comfort if you feel like this 
and actually i want the same hope and comfort  for me, by pouring my sould into this and crying a bit about everything.



things i can't
i just cancelled a trip we've planned for months. all the money, the time but most importantly the experience - lost. I'm incredibly sad that i can't do it and i'm already regretting it so much. i feel so guilty for not being able to go, for chickening out and - without overestimating my influence on other people's lives - i feel like i've ruined the trip for them, too. i feel like a failure, like i deserve to be punished for cancelling it, i'm angry and disappointed in myself and i think i desvere this pain of staying at home and thinking about how-it-could-have-been.
i can't travel. i can barely leave the house. i can't face the unknown and i can't face myself.
i don't want to deal with myself, with the difficulties,
i don't want to face my fears and i don't want to fight.
i can't tell anymore how i feel, i never know if i'm hungry or sad or panicing, i'm always just so empty.
i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't breathe.
i'm no longer a student, a daughter, a friend, a human being. i'm far from living and i'm barely surviving.i don't know what to do.

 things i can
i can talk about it and try to explain my situation. i try to communicate the best i can i'm sorry, please be patient with me, i'm having a rough time and everything and nothing is happening right now.
i can seek help, calling hospitals, seeing doctors, hoping for a new perspective.
i can try to stay alive and i'm doing my best to work through it by just existing even though it's almost unbearable.
i can endure, i can keep trying,
i can fail and still be lovable, i can break down and still be worth something.
i can make it through this, i can still hope for it to get better, i hopefully can take all the time that i need and still get back on track someday.
i can  count on my friends to sticking with me even though i'm a mess and i can still trust them being there for me, even though i'm not (always) there, even though i''m not showing up anywhere and even though i'm trying to not let them see me.
i'm still me, somewhere, i have not yet given up on me or the world and i want to believe that it gets better and that the best is yet to come, that it will come and that i won't be alone when i'm ready again.
i still don't know what to do, all i know is how to cancel things and how to disappoint the world and how to shut myself away and how to feel terrible and sick and how to suffer.
i'm not sure what i'm doing, but i know i'm still far enough away from death to let myself be overwhelmed by the darkness and even though i'm deeply frightened of everything, i'm not scared of talking about it in big words and cheesy metaphors.
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12:42 PM , , ,

Confessions

Lili

#6436
I still want you

#6437
i always need to be in love, otherwise i don't feel whole

#6438
i want to leave him but i'm scared

#6439
no one ever broke up with me, it was always me who left

#6440
she left me twice and i'll never be able to trust her again

#6441
he slept with her while i was still around

#6442
i stopped loving you long before we broke up

#6442
i thought of her while talking to you

#6443
every few months i stalk my ex on facebook to see if he's still single

#6444
i save all your selfies

#6445
once i saw you naked for the first time, i knew there was no turning back

#6446
i called you twice last week without saying anything, just to hear your voice

#6447
i'm in love again

#6448
i still read your blog even though we don't talk anymore

#6449
i don't know if i like him or just the version of me i can be around him

#6450
i don't trust any of my friends

#6451
i hate love and don't believe in relationships

#6452
i dream of being (with) you

#6453
you don't love me enough

#6454
i know he cheats on me but i love him too much to break-up

#6455
he's the only one who ever loved me

#6556
you are not really my friend,you know that too, but let's both pretend

#6557
i can't remember who i was before i met you

#6557
i'd leave you in a heartbeat if i found someone better
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4:50 AM , , , ,
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