Not my fault?

Lili 4:59 AM , , No comments

















It’s not my fault that he’s afraid.
I’m also afraid, but it wouldn't have stopped me.
I’m easy to love.
I’m just hard to like.
Maybe i should have tried harder.
He didnt try at all.

Loving me is more spontaneous, less of a guarantee, easier to get over, 
you can just let go of me anytime.
Once you earned my love, i won't leave.
I can still smell you. 
It makes me angry that your smell still calms me down.
In general I’m very angry. 
So angry that I just had to write, without even knowing what i want to say.
Just moving my fingers, bathing in the illusion that i'm letting go of the pain 
if I just puke up enough words and pretty metaphors.
Please let this work.

I realized that I’m not scared of falling in love or the pain of rejection, 
I’m scared of going numb, of the pain overshadowing the love and of me getting so lost in the pain, that I’m never able to open up again and feel love, when the right one appears.
As long as every new love outweighs the pain of the last break-up,
I’m telling myself that still full of hope. 
As long as I’m able to always getting over someone, to keep moving on, 
I’m positive that I can make it through 678 frogs for that one prince.
But what if I can’t make it?
What if I break before I ever reach one of the more truer loves?
What if it’s not worth it and just agony and rage all the way until I’m old and alone forever?


It’s such a cliche-thing to say: 'it’s not your fault, it’s him. 
He wasn’t ready for something real, You’re worth so much more.'
But what if that's not true?
If I were enough, he would have chosen me.
If I were what he needed or even more, he wouldn’t have let me go.
If I were worth something, I wouldn’t be laying in my bed, 
all by myself, crying over a guy who said that 
there’s nothing wrong with me, but also nothing right.

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