24 (love) letters

Lili

An open letter to the one i loved,
Break every bone in my right hand, so that it will keep me from writing about you.
Crushed my heart and broke my thoughts down so I could feed them to you, but you let me starve while eating my soul and puked it right into my face later on.
Describe it in pretty pictures of dying butterflies, that are stuck  in my ribcage, but I’m just throwing up caterpillers.
Everything I wrote about, was a lie, every time I’d twist reality,turn it,distort it, until it bleed into heart and I could cry out every word of pain, I’ve never felt.
Fix me and then bite into my flesh and break everything inside of me,
I wanted you to know what my heart sounds like at 4am, but I wanted you to crush it between your fingers, too.
“Go straight to hell with me once we died”,
you used to say,
“because living with you was heaven on earth.”
Here’s to screw forgiveness, screw the past, screw you,
I wish I didn’t, 
here’s to unrequired love, ignorance and fucking pain
In the library by day and in stranger’s bedrooms at night, 
insert knowledge into your brain and then your cock into
 – my heart like a knife.
Jesus himself even knows that you’ll never be able to love someone beside yourself,
"Kiss me”, I whispered in your ear that last night,
“even though bad words came out of my mouth” 
and you said even worse words to me back, when my lips touched your body.
Longest and most painful death is to fall in love and then crash on reality.
My mother taught me that clinging on a life saver won’t teach you how to swim and that you’ll drown eventually, so
Now i'm just a pile of misplaced memories, rotting regrets and burning books of untold stories. 
Once life cut so deep in my veins, I called you crying for help and you came over and wrote a poem about the beauty of death, while I was dying.
People who are waiting, listen: they say ‘no answer is an answer aswell’, but let’s be honest, no answer is just a never ending vacuum of false interpretation, anxious boredom and dying hope.
Q, I’m always saying this, that I’ll leave you, but now I really stop dropping everything for you, I’ll pick up my scrambled thoughts like broken eggs, which I’ve bleed out 5 times, since I last saw you and leave.
Remeber how I would grab the numbers out of the clock and stop the sun from setting and the moon from rising with my bare hands, just for you?
Sticking parts of you i find in myself on other things that bother me to create the monster within I want to kill, so I could sleep at night, is what i do now. But after that I'll never write about you again.
Talking for hours, is what we used to do at this time of the day, 
or maybe you just talked and I pictured my world around you, 
how I would fit in it, how I could change 
to wrap my life around your body like a warming blanket.
Ultimatums have their consequences and this is it, i hope the sharp edges of every letter cut your face until you cry tears of blood
Valentine's day is the day of love and caring, i'll start practising self-care today. 
Whose future memories are we really burying here - 
beneath all the new phone numbers and cookie crumbs, 
inbetween his  sheets and my legs - 
yours or mine? Think about it and never call me again.

Xoxo

Yours truly (never again)

Z.
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9:56 AM , , ,

Here i am now (6 months later)

Lili

It’s been over 6 months since I’ve wrote this blogpost and since I’ve left the clinic.
It didn’t feel like that much time at all.
I still feel the same as before, but different at the same time. It’s so hard to explain.
So much happened in those months, but I still feel like I was sitting in the emergency room just yesterday.

I know what everyone expects me to say:
I feel so much better.
I’ve got people who love me and I’m studying again, I take my medication and my blood results are fine.
I’m gonna do things now. I’m gonna do all the things I’ve always wanted to do.

 But not yesterday, I didn’t feel like it. 
And not tomorrow, I spent the night crying again and in the morning I felt too numb to eat. 
Maybe someday.
It's still painful and stressful and much more effort than I want it to be; and I’m not doing everything I always wanted to do, because I feel like I don’t deserve it and the fucking darkness inside of me won’t stop growing.
It makes me slow down and oh god it makes me suffer.
I’ll try to get through it and not lose my dreams out of sight.

I’m still not healed. I never will be. 
I didnt rip off all my old, blooddrained band-aids, I didn’t dare to open up enough to let every nightmare out of my system, I took new, clean ones and I have hidden the ugly old wounds under them. 
The poisen is still in me, I can taste it on my tongue every time I agree with someone who says ‘ you’re not good enough’. I remember the smell of blood and I swear I can feel it running down my arms again everytime someone says ‘this is exactly what you deserve’

That’s what you don’t want to read. That’s what I don’t want to write.
It sounds prettier when you put it in those words, dark but mysterious,like an independent indie movie about a girl who survives hardship and gets saved. Like tumblr pictures: razos blades with Bukowski quotes engraved in them and flower crowns on skulls.
 I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m so fucking scared...
Of being with people, of being on my own, of getting left behind , I’m afraid of walking into the kitchen at 2am and opening the fridge and then closing it and sliding down to the floor and just suffering from existing with this ungraspable fear and loneliness inside of me.
I don’t think I can do any of the things other people do, i don't want to feel the way i feel anymore.

I’m smiling, I’m dancing, I’m loving, I’m screaming at the top of my lungs at nothing,
I’m going out, I’m watching a sitcom, I'm getting ask out on a date, I’m crying hysterically at nothing.
- The monster is still invisible.
 I just want to point at the big angry dragon beside me and say: 
'Sorry I seem to be a bit messed up, I’ve got this big mighty dragon I have to fight any minute now, excuse my shaky hands and my teary eyes.'
And they would understand and nod and maybe smile or in the best case scenario say: 'Oh I had to do that myself, I’ve got a bit of time on my hands, let me help you.'

Today is one of those days, when everything seems so far away and the past is creeping up on me.
I remember my 14-year-old-self sitting on the bathroom floor in school and crying, 
my 15-year-old-self laying in an empty class room and almost dying, 
my 16-year-old-self drowning in self-hatred and rejection. 
My 17-year-old-self accepting things and just getting numb and more quiet. 
My 18-year-old-self talking to strangers and looking for love in dark alleys, 
my 19-year-old-self becoming angry and arrogant, my 20-year-old-self shutting down again, worse than ever.
Nothing made sense to her.
Why would I want to move out and go to university and force myself to find the courage somewhere in me, scrape it from my insides, to get a job and do the groceries and got to bed early and to leave the bed again and eat? 
It’s all so pointless. It’s so exhausting and I just can't do it. 

‘Oh, that’s just depression talking out of you right now, life’s not that bad.’
Thanks. I know. Everybody knows. No matter what happens, if someone broke my heart or I can’t understand humanity and why we all have to fight each other, everybody always answers ‘It’s just the depression, it’s not you talking, your mind is not in the right place’. 

Maybe you are wrong. Maybe all of you are blind, because you can’t see what a shitty place this earth is and how absurd our behavior is.
Nobody seems to get that. Everyone is so busy thinking about their sex life or their job or what to do tomorrow and i‘m sitting here like a stranger. I can’t relate to any of those thoughts.

I’ve always put everything off. I’d find friends next month, I’ll start studying next year,i'll shower tomorrow, I’ll leave my bed later- I hoped that inbetween now and then something great would happen. 
I’m still waiting for the magical moment. 
Here I am now. 

I know this blog post leaves such a bad taste in your mouth, at least it does in mine, but I don’t want to pretend. It sounds harsh and like something a frustrated teenager would write, but i'm not frustrated nor a teenager anymore. 
That’s the way it is,at least from my perspective. You can sugarcoat it, but that’s just lying to yourself.
Sometimes all the help you get just isn’t enough.
You have to be strong enough and motivated enough to fight against it every day,you have to find the will to not give in and find happiness in in the small things of life, find every day something that makes you keep going - or you just give up.

I do know what to do now.
What’s expected of me, what I want and what I need, I’m working on everything.
I don’t feel better and I’m so fucking afraid to keep on living, I have no clue how to stop hurting, how to get over things that happened years ago or how to handle the incoming questions and raised eyebrows ‘are you okay?’ – no, I’m not, but I guess I’ll just carry on with life, 
and I’ll talk to you in another six months.


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11:48 AM , , ,

An open letter to the one i love

Lili




I’ve been asking myself what I miss the most 
and how to describe the feeling of loss 
that’s pumping through my veins, 
replacing the blood that used to make me human and alive, 
now i'm just a pile of misplaced memories, rotting regrets and burning books of untold stories.  
Watch me burn the home down we built together, 
watch me burn the letters,
watch me burn.

Today I tried to eat breakfast, like the three days before, 
but failed, I watched the butter melt on the toasted bread 
and I had to throw it away every time, 
because I couldn’t stand the thought of more things disappearing.

I want to describe it in pretty pictures of dying butterflies 
that are stuck  in my ribcage, 
but I’m just throwing up caterpillers.

I’ve painted a graveyard in bright pink and baby-blue on my stomach, whose future memories are we really burying here - 
beneath all the new phone numbers and cookie crumbs, 
inbetween his  sheets and my legs - 
yours or mine?

An open letter to the one i love, 
because you have never given me your new address: 
I don’t know where you are 
but neither do you, 
I can remember where we’ve been 
but you forgot where we wanted to go, 
I’m not sure where I am 
but you know i'm not in your heart anymore.

I found a hair from you on the piece of lifeless cotton 
where I rest my head at night to dream about you, 
but it lost it’s colour like the leaves on the trees,
and I haven’t been able to rest since you left, 
I have to grow up and learn to sleep with out the lights on, 
but I’m afraid of growing old alone in the darkness.




_________________________________________________________________________________

DISCLAIMER:
Don't assume that this is about you or her - this isn't even about me.
it's about feelings and situations, captured in temporary chapters of an unwritten story, 
this is nothing but fiction and i'm the storyteller. 
This is about an idea, this is art, 
remember, this might be inspired by things i experienced or witnessed or felt once myself, 
but it has nothing to do with my personal life
 and this is not a diary.
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11:03 AM , ,

'Washing hands' and washing off thoughts - a relationship in diary entries

Lili


17.12.14

I felt like freaking out, because I’m so scared,
 but I’m doing my best to act like I’m not.

I felt like freaking out, because you’re way more relaxed,
but started to get awkward as soon as we accidentally touched and I don’t know what that means.

You freaked out, because of the mess in my kitchen and the mess in my life,
almost as much as I’m freaked out by not knowing if you’ll stay longer or leave forever.

You freaked out by thinking about how hard it must be to be part of my life
and being chained to a bed in the least fun way and damned to stay indoors most of the time.

I freaked out every time you called, because I have to talk in English again 
and I can’t pronounce anything right.

I freaked out because I sometimes don’t know what you’re saying,
 but I feel like I’m still able to understand you.

You freaked out because you know what you want but not how to get there, 
and your time is running out.

 I freaked out because I didn’t know what I want 
and we didn't have enough time to try.

You freaked out because nothing was happening 
and you waited for that chance to knock on your door.

I freaked out because nothing was happening 
and I’m just going in the same old circles.

You freaked out because you’re so polite and can’t stop apologizing and asking me if I’m okay, 
I freaked out because I’m not okay and scared of getting so used to you,
that I may need to start apologizing for missing you once you’re gone.

You freaked out, because I’m so high-maintance in comparison to everyone that you know,
I freaked out, because you never said what you need or want and that frustrated me.

I freaked out because sometimes it feels like i’m just sitting on my bed 
and listening to my own thoughts in a different language,
You freaked out because I may know too much and put it on the internet 
(I did, sorry about that).

I freak out because we have nothing in common and are still able to talk for 8 hours straight,
You freak out because you’re reading this right now, 
(but I kinda warned you, that I’d write about you at some point, so don’t hate me)

I freaked out because we shared a lot last night and it was the weirdest and most confusing friendship (haha) I’ve ever had, you freak out because you still don’t know when I’m joking, I might be sarcastic right now.

You freak out, because nothing might change, 
I freak out, because it actually could.



05.1.15

I felt like freaking out, because I’m still scared,
and I’ve given up a to act like I’m not.

I felt like freaking out, because you’re way more relaxed,
and i got awkward as soon as we touch and I don’t know what that means.

You freaked out, because of the mess in my head and the mess that I’m in bed,
almost as much as I used to get freaked out by not knowing if you are patient enough to put up with me and stay longer or leave forever.

You were freaked out by thinking about how hard it will be to be my boyfriend
when not even kissing works and I start giggling or change my mind every hour.

I freaked out every time you came over, because I enjoy getting touched by you so much, as long as it’s not certain parts, and that’s worrying

I freaked out because I was sometimes scared that you were going too far and too fast,
You freaked out because you knew what you wanted but not how to get it from me,
and our time was running out.

 I freaked out because I didn’t know what I want and where my limits were
and we didn't have enough time to try.

You freaked out because nothing was happening ,
I freaked out because nothing was happening 
and I was scared that what I could offer wasn't good enough.

You freaked out because I freaked out because I was not okay and scared of getting so used to you,
that I may need to start apologizing for missing you once you’re gone.

You freaked out, because I’m still so high-maintance in comparison to everyone that you know,
I freaked out, because I may not was what you needed or wanted and that frustrated me.

I freaked out because sometimes it felt like i was just laying on my bed, tangled in your arms and legs and everything was alright,
You freaked out because that shouldn’t be a reason to freak out.

I freaked out it took us a whole night to find a position we both could be comfortable in,
You freaked out because you’re reading this right now and I don’t know if I still feel this way next month or if we’re even still together then.

I freaked out because we shared a lot last night and it’s the weirdest and most confusing relationship I’ve ever had, you may freak out because I writing the honest truth right now.

You freak out, because hopefully things might change, 
I freak out, because maybe they never will.


17.01

I feel like freaking out, because I’m not scared anymore,
and I feel safer and happier than I want to admit.

I feel like freaking out, because you seem to feel the same way,
and it gets painful thinking about how you will leave in about a week.

You freak out, because of the mess you might have caused and you will leave behind,
almost as much as I’m freaked out by the unknown future you have ahead of you.

You freak out by thinking about how hard it is to be my boyfriend, you don’t like the tv shows I enjoy or the actors hanging above my bed.

I freak out every time you come over, because I don’t know if I will get any sleep and because I don’t seem to care about my sleep at all anymore.

I freak out because I’m normally scared of any germs,
You freak out because sharing our germs isn’t that big of a deal anymore.


I freak out because i changing my mind and my bed sheets every night and because you said that you “lightsaber me”.

You freak out because I freak out because after you’re gone everything will be like it was before and I have to go back and deal with my problems all by myself again.

You freak out, because you will have to deal with a lot of new problems,
I freak out, because I’m not able to help you at all.

I freak out because sometimes it feels like i’m just laying on my bed, tangled in your arms and legs and everything is alright,
You freak out because that shouldn’t be a reason to freak out.

I freak out because we finally found a comfortable position,
You freak out because we got used to each other so much faster than expected.

I freak out because we share a lot every night and it’s the weirdest and most serious relationship I’ve ever had, you freak out because I might be lying right now.

You freak out, because you don’t want things to change, 
I freak out, because they definitely will.


05.2.15
I probably won’t freak out anymore
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6:43 AM , , ,

A lover

Lili


I want a lover who’s not afraid to play with fire 
and not ashamed to cry when he gets burned

I want a lover who will hug me, when I hate everything 
and hold me tight when I just want to run away, 
but doesn’t touch me, when I don’t want him to.

I want a lover who will kiss me, even though bad words came out of my mouth 
and who will say even worse words to me back, when my lips touch his body.

I want a lover who spills his heart and cleans up afterwards, 
someone who’d swim through the sea for me 
and cries a river if I’ll ever leave him,

I want a lover who knows his fate and but questions his destiny, 
someone who reads my words, but write’s his own life

I want a lover who is not afraid of trouble or hard times, 
but who appreciates stay-at-home-days and pizza in bed.

I want a lover who is not embarrassed to kiss a guy 
but admits that the only person he wants to kiss is me.

I want a lover who knows how to survive, but wouldn’t do it at all costs, 
someone who knows what he wants and how to get it, but is still open for everything

I want a lover who is everything at once when I’m a blank page 
and who’s nothing at all, when I’m an exploding firework.

I want a lover who’s not afraid of me 
but knows that I don’t need protection, 
who’s secretly  a bit scared of what I’ll come up with next time 
and who knows deep in his heart, that I sometimes need someone to take care of me.

I want a lover who knows where to touch me lightly and when to be rough, 
a man who speaks his mind whenever he feels like it, 
who’s so comfortable around me, that we can have farting competitions 
and who’s not gonna be angry, when I win.


I want a lover who goes straight to hell with me once we died, 
because living with him was heaven on earth
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9:11 AM , , ,

The morning after

Lili


In the last few days i've seen so many 'best of 2014' shows and 'my new year's resolutions' videos and 'what i've done last year and what i'm planning for 2015'-posts...

But that's not what i'm gonna do. Here on the touchingbutt-blog we have the real talk.

So, let me be honest:
 Nothing changed.
You woke up today and probably didn't feel motivated to work out,did not feel inspired to write a novel and your breakfast was left-overs from last night and not a healthy start in the day.
And that's totally okay.
You are not obligated to be a new human being, you have set yourself some goals and you have now 365 days to try to achieve them.
And you are allowed to fail, to cheat, to change your mind.
That doesn't make you a bad person or a loser.

It's important to check in with yourself every once in a while, to see if you're still on the right path for you, if you're still the (wo)man you want to be, it's good to change things and to have the ambition of becoming a better person with each year, but it's perfectly normal to make mistakes, to have bad days and to take small steps.

I want you to know that you're still loved even if you fall back into old habits, and that i appreciate your attempt in improving your lifestyle.

I believe that you have the ability to change your behaviour, think more positive thoughts and become a better version of yourself each and every day.

You can do it, but you don't have to, either way, i will be by your side.

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6:16 AM , ,
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