Teaching kids the mighty No- How to not raise a rapist

I am currently doing an internship at a nursery school, meaning I am obliged to teach the kids stuff like how to climb trees without dying, how to tie shoelaces, that boys can like boys and girls can like girls and that everyone has the right to use the mighty word 'no'.

The other day, one of the rather difficult and aggressive five-year-olds (let's call him Peter), gave us a really hard time- He destroyed everything the other kids built, hit them, hit the employees and kept repeating these actions, no matter how many times we told him off. It is rather hard to bring me to a point where I get really angry with the kids, but Peter managed to make me raise my voice several times that morning.

Shortly after having a huge fight with another child, including some very rough slaps from Peter's side, he sat down on my lap. Hard. Provoking. And that was the point where my inner volcano erupted.

Me: “Don't you think you've forgotten something?”

Peter: “What?”

Me: “Asking me if you can sit on my lap.”

Peter: “Can I?”

Me: “See, you know how much I love you and how much I like cuddling with you but you were so mean to the other children and also to me today that I really don't feel like cuddling with you right now. I'd love to play with you later if you've apologized to everyone.”

No reaction.

Me: “Would you get off my lap now, please?”

Peter: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Peter: “No.”

Me: “I told you that I don't want to cuddle right now, I would like you to understand that.”

Peter: “But I want to.”

Me: “But I don't. I don't like fighting with you, but I also want you to understand that when I say no, I mean it. Please go and play a little now.”

Peter: “No.”

Me: “When someone says “No I don't want that” you have to stop doing whatever you're doing. If I started pulling you on my lap when you don't want it, you would want me to stop, too. You have to treat me like you want me to treat you. Same goes for everyone else. Do you understand that?”

Peter: “Yes.”

Me: “Promise me that you'll remember that, alright? Love you.”

Peter: “I'm sorry. Love you too.”

That's the shortened version of the discussion we had on that matter. We hugged and he got off my lap and, to be honest, it broke my heart to be that harsh to him. But on the other hand, I do think that there is no “too early” when it comes to teaching kids about consent. It is important that even children understand how much the simple word 'no' can do. They need to know that it is their duty to stop when someone seems to be uncomfortable. It is as important as teaching them that they have the right to say no. That they can leave a situation when they are uncomfortable, that they do not have to hug or kiss people, even their friends or family when they do not want to. So when you hug them and you realise they do not want to be hugged right now, let them go and tell them that they are allowed to say no, that they need to say no. It can start off with something as simple as tickling. When they say 'stop', stop. Even if you know that it is part of the game. Start again if they tell you to, but let them know that they have a choice, that they have a say in this matter.

When they want to give a kiss to their best friend, tell them to ask for permission. Tell them “If she/he says no, we can go and pick some flowers for them”.

If you work with children like I do or even have one yourself, you know that even things like diaper changing or helping them on the toilet requires consent. Ask “Are you okay with me changing your nappies?” and if they say no, it is a no. Go look for someone the child is more comfortable with. It does not mean in any way that they do not like you or think of you as a scary pedophile or something, but changing diapers is an intimate thing that requires trust.

Teaching children at an early age that they have the right to say no

and that others also have the right to say no is important because they

will remember this forever. 

So if they do not want to sleep with someone at the age of 16, they know that they do not have to.

And if their partner does not want to sleep with them,

they are not going to go on a shooting spree just because someone

denied them their body because they know that everyone is in charge

of their own body.

So remember: Always touch the butt, but only with permission.